News, Impact, Stories & Blog

Christmas is a time to be with your family, "It’s not about the gifts" they say, "It’s about spending time with those you love".

What happens when the one’s who are supposed to love you actually jeopardise your safety? What then? How does that make for a family Christmas?

One gift that we feel is really important this Christmas is the gift of safety, love and support. We all need this, it’s something we all deserve.

Maybe this is a gift that you need too? One that you have put on your list to Santa for many years but for some reason you have never received.

Let me tell you about Sue (names changed for safety reasons!). Sue sought help from Next Chapter long before the Christmas period began. Sue had hit rock bottom and although she had found the courage to leave her marriage, which had been abusive for over 15 years, Sue was lost.

Sue had been brave and with the support of close friends around her she had managed to escape the grips of her abuser, but she was still living in fear. The marital home was still in joint names and Sue never knew when her abuser would ‘pop in for a coffee’ or ‘pop past’ to smash a few household items up. Sue was stuck, she couldn’t call on the Police for support as strictly speaking he was damaging his own items and what could they do about that?  Also, the fact that he wanted to make a cuppa in his own home. Not a problem they said, seek legal advice they said.

Sue was not sure where to turn and struggled to explain her situation to others, she was embarrassed by all that had happened, and this was putting real barriers in front of her. It was suggested to Sue by a friend that she should contact Next Chapter as they understood the dynamics of domestic abuse and may be able to help in some way. Thankfully she did just that!

We were able to support Sue practically to find a solicitor who truly understood her situation and was willing to take on her case. Importantly we also supported Sue emotionally, this was much needed to keep the momentum going. Sue had understandably lost her drive and had felt like giving up.

Over a period of time Sue was getting where she needed to be and with perseverance the house was sold and funds were separated. Sue was finally able to start her Next Chapter. She was now fully free from abuse and the many calls she had had with us along the way had really improved her mindset and outlook for her future. She was empowered now and ready to start again.

Sue’s Domestic Abuse Practitioner was also able to refer her for some counselling towards the end of their work together, a real opportunity to delve deep and aid her recovery from all that she had been through.

This year Sue can change her list to Santa, this year Sue is safe and for the first time in a long time she can enjoy that ‘Family Christmas’ without fear.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!

My name is Lucinda and I am an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA) for Next Chapter. I have been here since September 2020 and have already met so many survivors of domestic abuse and hopefully helped them on their journey to a life free from abuse.

Focusing on sexual abuse, I’d like to speak to you today about a client I have worked with called Chloe* and her perpetrator Joe*. When I first met Chloe, she didn’t consider some of what she experienced to be sexual abuse. She now works closely with CARA (Centre for Action for Rape and Abuse) and myself and has an understanding now what Joe had done to her as unacceptable and illegal.

*name changed for confidentiality

Chloe's Story

I have been working with Chloe for several months now and she was referred into Next Chapter by CARA (Centre for Action for Rape and Abuse). CARA had already been supporting Chloe around the sexual abuse she had experienced in her relationship with Joe.

Chloe explained that she was often pressured into sexual intercourse by her ex-partner Joe. She took medication for a medical condition that would make her tired and drowsy and did not feel like having sex.

Joe would go ahead and do it anyway.

He would say that he is irritable as his sexual needs are not being met and that it is his fault that he has been ‘forced’ to watch pornography as she was not meeting his needs sexually. Chloe would explain to him that her medication and condition would make her feel tired and she did not want to; however, Joe was repetitive and would not stop blaming her for his behaviour until she completed the sexual acts/intercourse that he wanted. Often Chloe would complete these sexual acts for him but felt numb and upset that it was happening. She worried that if she did not provide him with the sexual acts he required, that he would go and have an affair and it would be her fault as she could not meet his needs.  

Chloe’s medication would sometimes make her so drowsy that she would fall asleep in the middle of the day. On occasion she woke up to find Joe having sex with her without her knowledge or consent. Chloe would explain to me that she wanted to kick and scream and tell him to stop however her body would just freeze and she would lay there, staring at a small bump in the wall until Joe had finished and left the room. This is a common response to trauma; the fight or flight response. This is a natural reaction that cannot be controlled.

Just because Chloe didn’t scream or shout no or kick Joe off does not mean she consented for any of this to be happening to her.

I once spoke to a counsellor who explained the Flight or Fight response to me. It is a part of your brain that reacts to emergency situations. She always explained it as coming downstairs and finding a bear in your bathroom. Now this is a literal example however when Chloe woke up to find Joe having intercourse with her that was the ‘bear in her bathroom’. So, this part of the brain tells your body to conserve energy from all your other body parts and focus on this ‘bear’. And whether it decides to fight the bear or freeze or even run that is something that is decided before any conscious thinking takes place. If your brain has decided to freeze or run then it has decided this well before you can think it through. And by freezing does not mean consent is given, an asleep or unconscious person cannot give consent.  

Chloe had recently had a baby and required stitches to her intimate area. This is not uncommon when a baby is born and can take several months to heal fully. When Chloe felt ready to have sex with Joe, she told him that she was a bit apprehensive due to the stitches. Joe began to penetrate Chloe however was too rough and Chloe told him that she was in pain, to which Joe would stop for a few seconds and then continue to be as rough as he was before. When Chloe then told him to stop, Joe did not.    

Due to the stitches, Chloe found many different sexual positions painful or uncomfortable. Joe would tell her that she is not meeting his sexual needs and he may have to look elsewhere and possibly cheat on her; and that would be her fault as she could not provide him with what he wanted. This would really upset Chloe and she tried to find other ways to meet his sexual needs without her being in physical pain. Joe would sometimes find alternatives that were a lot worse than the original idea and convince Chloe that she should just carry out his idea in the first place as the alternative was far worse.

When I first spoke to Chloe she told me that she didn’t think of these behaviours as sexual abuse or rape as she had been in a relationship with Joe. It led us to have a discussion about what makes a healthy sexual relationship...  

What is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?

A healthy sexual relationship requires both parties to be aware of each other’s likes and dislikes and respects each other’s boundaries. In a healthy sexual relationship neither person should be pressured or forced into doing anything they do not feel comfortable in doing and consent can be withdrawn at any point and this is respected accordingly. Rape and sexual assaults do happen in relationships and if something isn’t comfortable or not wanted then regardless of relationship status should not happen. In healthy sexual relationships there will be communication in regards to likes and dislikes and these boundaries are respected.

Chloe is still working with me today however she receives support from CARA and has been allocated a counsellor to help her process the trauma she has experienced from her relationship with Joe. She is also about to start a program (virtually) with Next Chapter called Healthy Relationships which will further her knowledge and aid her recovery further.

If you feel that you may have been raped or sexually assaulted, then there is an organisation called CARA (Centre for Action for Rape and Abuse) who can be contacted on 03000 037 777 who can provide counselling and support specifically for sexual offences.

My name is Darina and I would like to talk to you about Trauma Bonding. You might have not heard about it? Trauma Bonding occurs as a result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement or reward and punishment creates a powerful emotional bond. Often victims mistake this for feelings of love and it then becomes a struggle to break free.

To help you understand, I would like to share a story of Jane and Toni (names changed for safety reasons).

Jane had met Toni after a tricky break up in the hopes that she would have a new start. At first Toni seemed like the nice guy, the one she could have a family with and be happy. Toni did come with a package however – he had a crazy ex. Toni would often say to Jane how crazy and psychotic his ex was and how much it had affected him.

Jane felt bad for him and made it her burden to help him. She began to excuse all his behaviours – things like drug use, his emotional outbursts, difficult relationships with his family and many other things. On a number of occasions Toni cheated on Jane, but he told her that is was not his fault, as she did not do what he wanted her to do, so he needed to go elsewhere.

Every time she tried to get him help he turned on her, accusing her of putting pressure on him, being too bossy, not being enough for him, not understanding him and so on. But then came the days when he would be nice to her begging her to help him, telling her she was the only one for him, she was the only one who could help him. So, she stayed and tried harder and so the circle of abuse continued and the trauma bond becoming strong with each full turn…

Fast forward 18 months later to when their daughter was five months old and he threatened to kill her. Jane knew she needed to protect her daughter from him so she left. She contacted Next Chapter and began to receive support from myself.

During our first meeting Jane told what has been happening and how she felt about all of this. Jane struggled to understand what had been going on and often would ask if she was the perpetrator, as that was how her abuser had made her feel for leaving him and taking their daughter with her.

Jane poured her heart out to me and the incidents she described to me clearly showed emotional and psychological abuse, coercive control and elements of sexual and physical abuse. Jane could not bring herself to accept that she was a victim, so we did not put labels on anything.

Jane struggled to understand why it happened to her, what was wrong with her and how to break the emotional ties to her abuser. Sharing a child with Toni made it even more difficult as he would often accuse her of preventing him from being a father as a further way to manipulate her and play on her emotions. Jane has found herself torn between being told not to go back for her safety and the safety of her child and feelings of love and the believe that she needs to help Toni.

Jane worked so hard trying to understand what was happening to her and why she felt the way she did. We spoke about what a trauma bond is and the types of emotional and psychological abuse as well as how to help herself break free.

18 months of abuse had stripped Jane of any confidence, self-esteem and the ability to control her emotions. Jane would often tell me that she could not believe what was happening, that she felt angry or tired, which is some of the stages victims of domestic abuse need to go through to be able to move forward.

The first step to recovery (after she recognised that she was a victim) was to go ‘cold turkey’. Yes, I use this expression as often trauma bond can feel like an addiction. Jane had moved to a new house, changed her number and blocked Toni. At first she struggled and had a bit of a  ‘relapse’ when she allowed him to come to her home and had contact with him, but as soon as he became abusive something clicked for Jane and she made the final decision to leave and not look back.

She started again. No contact with Toni at all. Deleted his pictures and removed all the items from her home that reminded her of him. As she was no longer looking for what he was doing Jane had found herself with some spare hours that she could dedicate to herself.

She started to take better care of herself, she read lots of inspirational books and is working hard to push herself forward and be herself again.

I want to leave you with this final message

Breaking a trauma bond is not easy, it requires dedication and support. We are here to support and help you, to listen to you and not to judge. You can do this!

Ever been ‘loved up’ …… it’s a nice feeling hey. You have met someone new and everything seems so amazing. He is treating you well and buying you nice gifts, everything seems lovely and maybe, just maybe you have finally found your ‘Mr Right’.

You have fallen in love and you want to do everything you can to make this happen! You want to work towards a life with this person, the love feels strong and deep and he really seems ‘to get you’ like no one else ever has before.

He wants you to spend time with him, as much as you can. You start to worry that you have seen less and less of your friends and family than you would normally and when you try to make plans with them Mr Right is putting blockers in the way, its ok though it’s because ‘he wants you all to himself’. That’s how much he loves you. That’s what you’re telling yourself anyway.

Something feels odd but you can’t put your finger on it, surely he just has your best interests at heart, this is a love like no other after all? He just wants to look after you. Things are still strange though and you are beginning to feel confused a lot of the time. Anxiety has set in and you are not even sure why?

Those amazing meals that you once prepared are now starting to be picked apart, the dress that you have always worn is now too short or slutty, those texts from your friends are now being questioned and no matter what you do it isn’t quite enough for him.

Things can change in any relationship and it’s good to remember that, it’s also wise to expect some sticky times along the road but you must never lose yourself in the process. If your gut is telling you something feels odd, then listen to it and listen to it carefully.

Maybe this relationship is not quite what you thought it was, last Christmas was truly amazing but this Christmas you are just not sure what is going on.  He is slowly starting to stop you from being who you want to be, maybe your friends and family have pointed out that you are distant or seem unhappy?

This is the time to speak to someone, Next Chapter are here to listen and offer advice, it can be hard to discuss these types of worries to people you are close to and who know your partner.

Below are 8 red flags to look out for when questioning if your relationship is healthy….

• You find yourself justifying their bad behaviour
• They don’t or won’t talk through issues with you
• They are constantly testing your boundaries
• They have a massive sense of entitlement
• As we’ve already mentioned something in your gut feels wrong
• Everything is always about them
• They are overly critical about their ex-partners
• They constantly deny, criticise or dismiss you and your feelings

It can be a very confusing and upsetting time when you have doubts about someone you love, and you can also become comfortable in their funny ways with this becoming ‘your norm’ but it is always good to talk and explore the worry that is inside of you.

We are each entitled to love but it should never come at the cost of yourself. A healthy, loving relationship is about supporting each other and loving each other. If you have found yourself stuck and confused, then please get in touch.

Be authentic this Christmas, living a lie and covering up someone’s bad behaviour is only going to cause you deep emotional harm. Talk to a Domestic Abuse Practitioner today in confidence.

If you want to test your memory, then ask yourself what you were worrying about last year. If it was the exact same issues, then please get in touch, we can help you to unpick what is happening and help you find the right solution for you.

Make 2024 your most authentic year yet!

For my blog I wanted to write about a male victim of domestic abuse that I have supported. It can be easy to think that domestic abuse only affects women, but statistics say that 576,000 men (2.5% men) and 1.2 million (4.8% women) were victims of domestic abuse in 2018/19 (*stat from ManKind). I hope by reading Martin's story it highlights to men that help is out there, here at Next Chapter we will support any victim of domestic abuse - regardless of gender!

(Name changed for safety reasons)

Martin had been with his partner, who had suffered with a twenty-year drug addiction, for twelve years. There was three children in the family, all of which were under Children’s Social Care after concerns had been raised by the school due to non-attendance. He was the sole carer in the household for his partner and the children.

Following a serious incident of domestic abuse toward Martin by his partner, he was advised to seek support from The Next Chapter. When Martin first engaged in our services he made it very clear that he loved his partner and had no intention of leaving her. He said that he wanted support, as he often felt tearful and overwhelmed by the situation. He also felt embarrassed as it was ‘his job as a man’ to take care of his family and keep them safe.

Martin informed me that they have both been struggling for years but were too frightened to seek support because of Social Care becoming involved. Martin’s sister had her children taken away from her due to drug abuse, which is where the fear came from. He had previously served a custodial sentence for drug related offences when he was young and his partner was struggling with an addiction.

Martin said that he will do anything he needs to keep his family together. When he was younger, he was put into foster care with his brothers and sisters - this is why he had such a need to keep his family together.

Martin was on one years’ probation at this time, an Order made by the Court for the children’s lack of school attendance, and was becoming increasingly concerned as contact with his probation officer had been sporadic due to the national lock-down. More stress being added to the situation.

Martin was provided with the contact details of a men’s domestic abuse support organisation. A referral was made so that he could access counselling. Contact was made with the other professionals involved with the family to see what best support could be put into place.

As a result of everyone working together, Martin and his family received the support they so desperately needed. Social Care helped with things like the cost of new school uniforms and clothing for the children. Both Martin and his partner engaged in counselling to help them move forward.

In our last conversation he expressed how overwhelmed they felt by all the support they had received and that he felt like a weight had been lifted. His partner was responding well to her programme, the children were happy and attending school every day and he was busy decorating the house. They were even making plans to marry in the New Year! The best part of his day was in the evening when they all went for a walk together, as a family.

I hope that by reading this blog it helps to understand that men can be victims. Please don't feel ashamed to reach out for support, Martin did and his family are better for the support they have received  

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

(ps. here are some useful links for male domestic abuse helplines)

https://www.mankind.org.uk/

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

As Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week continues, we here at Next Chapter feel it important to spread awareness of sexual abuse that occurs in relationships. Including misconceptions, the significance of power and control, and common responses to trauma.  Let us start with the legal history...

A Brief Legal History of Sexual Abuse in a Relationship

The offence of Rape has been part of UK Law since at least the 18th Century, beginning as Common Law and then working its way in to statutory law in the 1800’s.  However, Marital Rape was considered legal until 1992, only 29 years ago.

Prior to 1992, forced sexual activity within a marriage was legal, as a husband could enforce “matrimonial rights” on his wife without committing an offence. This was based on the belief that a wife had provided their ongoing consent through the contract of marriage.  

The Misconceptions that Follow

The delay in implementing such laws shows how outdated the attitude to marriage and relationships were, and this mindset continues to show itself in relationships today. With many dismissing the abuse and passing their partners behaviour off as normal. With one in four people believing non-consensual sex within marriage does not constitute rape.

Social Media, the news and films also influence misconceptions. A common misconception is that rape happens in a dark alley by a stranger. When in reality, more than 90% of rape victims knew their abuser, with almost a quarter of these being in a relationship.

Another misconception is that sexual abuse involved force – including physical violence resulting in injury. This disregards the significant elements of power, control and coercion. Abusers can use force in other ways, including emotional coercion, manipulation, threats or other intimidating tactics.

Rachel's Story

One woman, Rachel* was in an abusive relationship for five years. She never realised how significant the abuse was until the relationship was over. Rachel was under a cloud of power and coercion and struggled to see through the fog. Here are some of the things Rachel disclosed:

*name changed for confidentiality reasons

"He would never force himself on me but I was scared if I didn’t do what he said, he would hurt me. He would use words like “you don’t want me to rape you do you?”

By him saying “you don’t want me to rape you, do you” it gives the illusion that what he is doing is not rape. But did she consent? No.  Sexual abuse does not need to contain violence or force. He used his power, and manipulated her into doing something she didn’t want to do. This alone constitutes sexual abuse.

"I relied on him for money and he would only agree to give me the money if I had sex with him."

Domestic abuse encompasses many different forms of abuse. In most instances – a victim of DA experiences more than one kind. Here, Rachel experienced both financial and sexual abuse. She felt she owed it to him because he was providing her with money. This is never a justification for abuse.  

"I didn’t fight him off so it’s my fault for letting it happen."

Rachel felt that she was partly responsible for what happened because she didn’t try and fight him off. She said in the news and movies the woman always tries to fight their way out – unaware that in reality, everyone responds to trauma differently.

Rachel explained that she would feel like she is unable to move, waiting for it to be over. I explained that this response is known as FREEZE – where the body goes still and silent and it is an instinctive survival response. See below for other common responses to sexual abuse.  

Rachel soon began to understand what she experienced did in fact constitute sexual abuse. Many women have been in the same position as Rachel – unaware of the abuse until a discussion like this is had. This is why it is so important to raise awareness of sexual abuse, the many forms it can take and why many women subconsciously accept the abuse as normal in their relationship.