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My name is Naomi and I am a domestic abuse Practitioner for Next Chapter.  I feel very privileged to work for this organisation, with an amazing team of strong women who dedicate their careers to supporting victims of domestic abuse.

I think my team would agree that this is a fast-paced environment to work in and no day is ever the same.  We are fortunate that we are able to support many women and men and are constantly learning about behaviours, values and culture.

It is important to mention at this point that Next Chapter supports both women, men and children however, we know that domestic abuse is experienced by women at a higher rate than men.

Some of my clients have come to the UK to seek a better quality of life for themselves.  However, the barriers they face can be incredible.  For many, home is where they face an abusive relationship at the hands of someone close to them. They live in fear from their partners threats of deportation and therefore, losing their children.  They may also experience physical, financial and sexual abuse.

These victims are not always aware that this is domestic abuse and it is illegal in the UK.  Different countries and cultures may have their own values and attitudes toward a woman, family, marriage, sex and divorce.  My role is to provide emotional support to these clients and to make them aware of the legal options available to them to end the abuse.

Societal and cultural factors contribute to perpetuating violent relationships. Below is a diagram that depicts some of the ways in which this is done.

An abusive relationship, shown at the centre of the wheel, exists within the larger environment of society and culture.

The actions of individuals are influenced by the norms, values, language, and other cultural factors that are like the dust in the air that surrounds everyone. These cultural factors are ingrained in us from the day we are born, and can play a role in either ending or perpetuating domestic abuse.

My clients have described the cultural barriers that have prevented them from seeking help such as fear of dishonouring the family, shame and fear of being rejected by their community.  Additionally, they have told us that they are expected to suffer in silence and are usually advised to be patient and pray for their situation to change!  We know that victims may even be blamed for the abuse they are being subjected to and this fear of blame can also prevent women from coming forward and getting the help they need.

As a result of this, we know that domestic abuse is under reported within these communities and, heartbreakingly, for some victims, it is too late to ask for help.  We have seen a number of cases featured in the media of women being murdered by their husbands or other family members.

I wouldn’t want you to think that I am saying that domestic abuse is limited to black and minority cultures – in my experience, domestic abuse in the widest sense, is found in every community and affects all people regardless of age, race, religion, nationality, gender or socioeconomic status.  However, we do know through research and capturing women’s experiences, that black or minoritised women are more likely to have been subjected to many overlapping forms of violence and abuse – rape in marriage, child sexual abuse, sexual exploitation, trafficking - which they often live with for as long as 15 years before seeking help.  We have seen and heard that when they do try and speak out about their violations, they are not heard or forced into silence through a range of strategies at personal, family, community and societal levels, whether this is shame, stigma, denial, or the pressure to be strong and to not reinforce racialised views of their communities.

I have seen the cultural and religious factors that I have just spoken about, used directly by the perpetrator against the victim; using the fear of family and social disapproval, community alienation, and the stigma of being divorced, as weapons to perpetuate domestic abuse.  The combination of these elements in an already challenging situation increases a woman’s hesitance to report the abuse and to leave the relationship that ultimately binds her to the abusive household.

As a domestic abuse practitioner, I am here to support my clients, to enable them to consider all the options available to them and, together, we come up with a plan of support that keeps them safe and protected.  This may include sourcing a refuge space and or obtaining protection orders.  Whatever their decision, we walk beside them every step of the journey to enable them to live a life free of abuse.

Here are some useful websites to explore:

Muslim Women’s Network

www.mwnhelpline.co.uk

Call: 08009995786

Text: 07415206936

Although their reach is primarily Muslim women, the helpline will accept calls from and support women of any faith or no faith. For example, the culturally sensitive nature of the helpline could easily support Asian women of other faiths. Men who are concerned about women and girls should also call the helpline.

Iranian Kurdish Women’s Rights Organisation (IKWRO)

IKWRO provides support services for Middle Eastern, North African and Afghan women and girls who are living in the UK suffering from domestic abuse, forced marriage, female genital mutilation (FGM) and honour-based abuse.

Telephone: 020 7920 6460 Monday to Friday 9:30am to 5:30pm

Out of hours:

Kurdish / Arabic / English: 07846 275246

Farsi / Dari / English: 07846 310157

Latin American Women’s Rights Service

The Latin American Women’s Rights Service provides support services for Latin American women suffering from domestic abuse.

Telephone:

0771 928 1714 Monday to Thursday 10am to 1pm

0759 597 0580 Monday to Friday 10am to 1pm

Email: if calling is not safe, email referrals@lawrs.org.uk with your name, phone number and the best time for them to call you.

https://www.imkaan.org.uk/

https://karmanirvana.org.uk/

https://southallblacksisters.org.uk/

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Hi, my name is Jenni, I’m an IDVA at Next Chapter and I’ve taken over the blog for today to introduce you to our team….

First things first… IDVA… I expect that you may not have come across this term before (it’s pronounced just like it’s spelt).  IDVA, or Independent Domestic Violence  Advisor to give it’s full name, is the professional title given to a practitioner who has successfully completed their professional training and is qualified to hold the title.  It should give you confidence as it means that you know the person you are working with is skilled, experienced and above all, qualified, to work effectively within the Criminal Justice System, understanding how the Police, Social Care and the different court systems work, so that they are able to best support those of you that are at high risk of harm.

But why do IDVA need the “independent” part in our title I hear you ask?

Well, for me, the “independent” part is really important because it means that we work alongside other professionals to make sure that what is best for you and your family is always at the centre of our discussions.

We are non-statutory which means we can be your voice we understand domestic abuse, we do not work for the Police, social care or indeed probation services, we work alongside them, which means we are able to help you to navigate through these statutory services.

We want you to feel comfortable talking to us you may have already had to speak to the police, children’s social care, you may feel they do not understand your personal circumstances, you may even feel that you are to blame in some way - this is why we can be your voice when you need us to be.

We make sure that we bring your voice, your needs and your choices to every discussion we are involved with so that wherever possible you can retain your control and choice over what happens.  I will then work with you to create a safety and support plan that is unique to you.

When someone seeks help, there are a huge number of services they might need; housing, civil and criminal courts, the police, benefits advice, probation services, parenting programmes, mental health support workers, substance misuse workers, refuges, children and young people's services, their GP - I could keep going with the list….

So, imagine for a moment that you’ve summoned up the courage to finally leave, you’re feeling vulnerable and afraid and understandably really nervous about what the future might hold – you have to try and find your way through all that…. that's if you even knew half of it existed in the first place or where and how to start to getting in touch with them…

So that's where we IDVA’S come in.  

I have been training specifically to help navigate through all these different services with my clients, to understand domestic abuse and how it might influence their emotions and decisions.

I thought it might help if I talked a bit about what I do on a “normal day” (if there is such a thing!) and that might help explain the sorts of things that we do…

At the moment we’re all working remotely, from home, so that we can continue to provide our services but keep safe and abide by the current restrictions.  I have my own set of cases, so part of my daily routine will be to liaise with other professionals, to check in with my current clients and respond to any events that might have happened since we last spoke.  I usually start by checking whether I have any new referrals – they might have come from the police, social services or Compass who run the 24/7 referral helpline for Essex.  (You can get hold of them on 0330 333 7 444 if you need them).

The first conversation I will have with you can be the longest and the hardest, after all we have never met before and you may not be ready to trust me, I need to carry out a risk-assessment which will help me understand your needs.  I know that there will be some questions that you might find difficult to answer… it’s a tough thing to talk about the abusive relationship that you have experienced, ….  but I understand that you know the abusive person better than anyone and this information will help me to understand your personal situation so I will do everything I can to make this first discussion as easy as it can be.  There is no need to be fearful of what we might talk about -  I don’t judge and I’m a really good listener! I will then work with you to create a safety and support plan that is unique to you.

Everyone’s needs will be slightly different – one person might need additional security at home but someone else might need to leave home and be looking for specialist refuge accommodation, another person might need help with securing their right to remain in the country and another might need help with child contact.

Our first aim is to reduce the risk and then to work with them to give them the knowledge and confidence to prevent this happening again through our support which is empowering and safety focused.

Whatever you need, we will work it out together, to carefully plan small steps towards freedom.

I know that my colleagues have discussed what domestic abuse looks like in previous blogs, but I just want to say again that the chances are we will all know a victim of domestic abuse, because it doesn't just happen to one sort of person.   I know that sometimes the person won’t even realise that they are living with domestic abuse because they might not have a black eye - but they are being emotionally abused, financially controlled, bullied and coerced.   They live in fear of their partner's reaction - and yet they are also fearful of the consequences of telling someone...  Will he/she be arrested?  Will their child be taken away?  Will they bring shame on the family?  Nothing is simple…

That’s why we are all so passionate about supporting victims of domestic abuse to leave, recover and live their life free from abuse.  We don’t want them to be fearful of the consequences of telling someone so we will do everything within our power to advocate for them, enabling and ensuring that they get a voice that will be heard.

My job is to show our clients we're working for them and with them, not against them.  For many, it's hard for them to get their head around that - they've haven't had anyone on their side for so long.  They've lived without choices or freedom for months, years, sometimes decades.  Our team, our passionate and dedicated and the training we have means we can start to give our clients options for their future.

What does Christmas mean to you? They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year…. Sadly, the reality for some is quite the opposite.

As a domestic abuse practitioner with Next Chapter, we often see a rise in domestic abuse cases over the Christmas period. Many factors can contribute towards this, such as the increase in alcohol consumption and the financial pressure to create a ‘perfect’ Christmas.

Many of us will be looking forward to seeing our dear ones within our ‘Christmas bubble’ but for others this may mean the opposite and having to spend more time in a confined space with their abuser. Many issues can arise when pressures are high. During the Christmas school holiday, children are out of their routine and can become restless. There is fear of the children witnessing the abuse and therefore, having to walk on eggshells to protect them and keep the peace. This can be exhausting and instead of enjoying Christmas, there is a real sense of isolation and being alone.

Many of my clients talk to me about the fear of not creating the ‘perfect’ Christmas for their families, especially if there is ongoing domestic abuse. There is dread of Christmas not going to plan and believing it will be their fault and they will be blamed. My advice is clear, Christmas is one day and does not have to be perfect. Taking on the responsibility to make everything picture-perfect, is an impossible task. You are responsible for yourself and your children. If you share Christmas with other adults, they are accountable for their own happiness and for their own actions.

What you can do

Speak to someone – Tell someone you trust, this could be a close friend, work colleague or family member. Confiding in someone will help.

It is always important to be aware that domestic abuse can be experienced by both men and women, of any sexual orientation and of any age.

You do not have to suffer in silence, you will be believed and you will be supported.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin. Mother Teressa

Next Chapter are here to help and can offer support and advice during and after the Christmas period.

Duty Team: 01206 500585 opt 2

Compass Essex Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0330 333 7444

www.thenextchapter.org.uk Live web chat service available

And the time had come when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom. Anis Nin

Hello again and welcome back to our IDVA blog...

I thought it may be helpful to bust a bit of the jargon that professionals can sometimes use – I know that we sometimes have a habit of using acronyms, and maybe talking too quickly.  We need to remember that this may be the first time you have found yourself in a world of various different agencies being involved in your life and we expect that it sometimes may feel a little intrusive.

Let’s try and break that down a bit, you may have found yourself being identified or labelled as a high risk victim of domestic abuse/violence and there may also be several calls to you from lots of different agencies.  I know that you may not always feel like talking to them or indeed feel as though you have to keep repeating what has happened to you, with all the agencies asking similar questions and gathering lots of personal information all about you and your family.

This in itself can be daunting, frightening and quite possibly a tad annoying!  We certainly do not ever set out to annoy you but the reason for all of questions is to ensure we are all doing the very best we can to keep you safe,  understand your level of risk and ensure we are putting in the safety around you and your children in the best way we can.  So, please be sure that no one is judging you, we all want to do the very best we can to support you and one agency is not always able to have expertise in all the areas of support that you may need.  We all try hard to work together and ensure that you are at the centre of everything we do.

Jargon Explained...

CSC = Children’s Social Care (Don’t be alarmed you and your children are at the heart of all they do to ensure safety)

ASC = Adult's Social Care

IDVA = Independent Domestic Violence Advocate

DAP= Domestic Abuse Practitioner

WCU = Witness Care Unit

NPS = National Probation Service

CRC = Community Rehabilitation Company

TCP = The Change Project

CAFCASS = Children & Family Court Advisory

DASH = Domestic Abuse Stalking & Harassment Risk Assessment Tool

NCDV = National Centre for Domestic Violence

Compass = This is Essex’s triage service for all victims of domestic abuse

DA = Domestic Abuse

DV = Domestic Violence (we at Next Chapter refer to it as domestic abuse as you will have read in previous blogs domestic abuse is a lot more than a physical violent attack)

ABH = Actual Bodily Harm

GBH = Grievous Bodily Harm

MARAC = Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference

ASBO = Anti-Social Behaviour Order/or Officer

I don’t want you to be bored with the jargon busting and I know you can google all of the above for yourself if you wanted to… My point to you all today is to continue to ensure you that as IDVA’s we can help and we will help with all sorts of issues that matter to you, simple and not so simple.  We may not always have the solution right away, but we will help you get there, we will  help you see the wood for the trees, to see that there can be a light at the end of that tunnel and you will then understand why all of a sudden you have so  many people wanting to talk to you.

We will not be shocked, we will not be judging you, we are simply going to listen and advise and support you no matter what your individual story is…

Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle, and how frustrating it can be if just one piece is missing! We want to help and support you to get all those pieces of the jigsaw in place.

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My role in resettlement is varied and each day is different.  The impact of domestic violence on individuals differ from one person to another. Getting to know clients who are leaving refuge and making a plan with them about moving onto their new life is both exciting and daunting for my clients.

Refuge life is safe and there are other people around who understand the circumstances of life. Moving on is exciting… to start a new life, make the next step towards independence is also daunting. Questions for some include, how do I set up bills?  How do I set up a direct debit?

For others it will be, how do I make new friends? How do I meet people? How do I get from Tesco to my new house? Where do I find local amenities or groups? How do I help my children settle in another new place? How do I apply for new schools or find the nearest pre-school? How do I stay safe?

When clients have left refuge sometimes the excitement of a new home wears off quickly and the reality of being ‘on your own’ sinks in. I am there to support clients through this dip.

In most instances families who leave refuge have nothing to fill a new home. They often have to move on the same day that they find a new home which doesn’t give time to find furniture or white goods. A big part of my role is finding furniture and applying to charitable grants for individuals so that families are not without beds or a sofa for too long.

Setting up a new home is a great relief for my families. Finding that they can re-gain some sense of normality quickly takes a great weight off their shoulders, to know that they are not just left to do it all on their own once leaving refuge is really helpful.

My role as Resettlement Worker is to help provide and make a house a home, referring to other agencies, sourcing groups and activities, helping to sustain their tenancies, applying for grants and providing much needed emotional support which brings a hopeful end to a traumatic journey.  It is a privilege to see the end to this journey for many women and children and the start of new life.

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I would like to talk to you about what could be going on in the mind of a domestic abuse victim. What they are thinking, believing and what they deal with day after day. Domestic abuse victims do not get to have a break, their abuser is with them in person or in their mind from the time they wake up, during the day and even in their dreams. They cannot just get up and leave – it's not that easy!

Please read the following story, complied from the experiences that have been shared with us, to help understand some of the things a domestic abuse victim could be going through.  

Let’s start at the beginning…

The beginning was nice, love in the air, smiles and walks in the park and kind words. I felt like a princess in my favourite fairy tale, swept off my feet by my very own prince charming. He told me how much he loved me, how he wanted to protect me and I fell head over heels with love.

I answered all his texts, calls and done everything he wanted me to because he wanted to protect me. He told me that my friends were not good for me because they would drag me down the wrong path and I believed him. Why shouldn’t I?

I would say to myself that he told me what to wear and how to do my make-up because he loved me. He got angry when I spoke to any other men and accused me of cheating because he was jealous. He would check my phone, my Facebook, emails and told me I was his property – I belonged to him.

Then one day he came home from work, I was making dinner – but it was not what he asked me to do. And then it happened.  Before I knew what was going on my cheek was red, his hand print burning on my skin and my lip swelling.  I started crying asking him why he would do that.  He said he was sorry, he didn’t mean it, he just lost control.  He promised he would make it up to me and that he would never do it again.  We ordered some take out, sat down and watched TV.  The next day he got me flowers.  It was proof that he loved me and he promised never to do it again.

I forgave him, because I loved him.  I never told my friends because they wouldn’t understand.  They don’t know him the way I do.  They don’t understand that he had a bad day and I felt like it was my fault - he did tell me what he wanted for dinner and I didn’t listen.  I convinced myself that it was my fault and all I need to do is exactly as he asks.  That makes him happy and if he is happy I will be happy too.

I spent my days cleaning, washing, cooking and making sure everything was in order.  I made sure I only wore clothes he had approved and wore my make up just the way he liked it.  I tried all I could to make sure everything was right.  But it was never enough.  The slaps, kicks and pulling hair kept coming.  I became an expert in hiding my bruises with make up so work colleagues couldn’t see.  If they don’t see it, they won’t ask me about it.

When I got pregnant he accused me of cheating and said that the baby was not his.  He hit me so hard I fell over and I begged him to stop - trying to protect the life inside me.  My growing belly didn’t stop him and it became more difficult to come up with reasons why I had so many bruises.  My midwife tried talking to me but he was there with me the whole time.  He came with me to every appointment, every scan and never left the room.  When our son was born I knew there and then I had to protect him.

At first the situation calmed down and my fairy tale prince charming returned to me.  I was so happy, as I had my prince charming back and now I had my son.  Everything was going to be okay. But I was so wrong…

I was told by my abuser that I was the worst mother.  Everything I did was wrong and he said he would take my son away from me.  I was not allowed to breastfeed because he decided it was not good for the baby.  I had to lie to medical professionals that it was my choice.  But I knew that if I don’t do as he asked, I would be punished.  He didn’t care where the baby was when he punched me.  He didn’t care that our son was crying in my arms when he slapped me.  He didn’t care that his screaming and shouting was scaring our son, he would tell me it was my fault.

Slowly I started to realised that this would never change.  That my prince charming doesn’t exist, it was just a mask and a trap to lure me in.  I started looking for a way out.  I couldn’t tell my friends and family the truth, they would judge me. They would ask me questions like “why didn’t you leave before?” or “why did you stay?” or “why did you have a baby with him?”.  They would never understand that the hope my prince charming would return was stronger that any rational thinking.  All I wanted was a family, to be happy to make him happy.

I felt trapped, buried deep in abyss with no way out.  I wished that my friends would just understand what I was thinking, to understand that I had no choice but to stay in order to protect me and my son.   I was screaming in my mind at the doctors to ask me if I was okay and to ask my abuser to leave the room so I could talk to them.  But nobody did, nobody was able to read my mind.  They all saw how nice and caring he was when they were around.  He was good at that.  He was able to be the nicest person you have ever met when there were people around us.

They would never believe me if I told them how he truly is. I convinced myself that this is my life now.  But then one day, he came home and I saw the look in his eyes. I knew what was going to happen.  It didn’t matter that everything was done exactly as he asked.  I knew that he would find something.  I was right, I even don’t remember what it was, but as I felt the familiar pain in my face something deep inside me told me to take my son and run.

I waited for him to go into the living room to sit on the sofa and pass out drunk.  I sneaked into my son’s room, picked him up and ran out.  I went to my neighbour house, knocked on their door and burst out crying.

They did not ask me anything, they just took me in, locked the door and phoned the police.  We waited for police to arrive me still holding my son in my arms and I told them everything.

Do you know what happed next? Nobody judged me, nobody said it was my fault they believed me! It was the first time in very long time I cried but not because I was scared - but because I was free...

If you are concerned about anything that you have read about in this story and think that you might be in an abusive or controlling relationship, or think that someone you know is experiencing this and you want to know how to help them, then please do reach out to us and let one of our practitioners talk things through with you to see how we can help.

There are a range of ways you can make contact - either by our online "Get Help" form, our online chat, call Compass on 0330 333 7 4440 or call us directly on 01206 500585 option 2 during normal working hours.  We're always here to help.