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Welcome to Thursday and a change in the weather!  How does that make you feel?  For my young adults it seems to give them permission to have a ‘duvet day’ and stay in bed for longer but for younger children it may mean you have to find more to occupy them!  The weather may make you feel ‘flat’ and less motivated or relieved that you can also have a duvet day!  Whatever you’re feeling it’s ok to feel – feelings and thoughts come and go.  Sometimes, during times of stress, I know for me negative thoughts can stick – I have a saying on my fridge to help me when this happens.  It says ‘Have a Teflon mind, not a Velcro mind’.

Having worrying thoughts about what is happening right now is a normal reaction – we are not in a ‘normal’ situation.  For many of us life has changed dramatically and during crisis we have a loss of a sense of safety.  This may be actual, for example, loss of employment leading to worries about paying the rent, or perceived, such as not being able to see the virus so not knowing where you might catch it.

And so our children will also have worries.  Yesterday we talked about physical responses to stress, today I have an activity to show you that will help with worrying thoughts.  This is a great activity to use any time actually and the Children’s Team always recommend this one for children facing change such as starting a new school, or meeting a new step-parent or other family member, or a house move.  It really does help promote feelings of safety for your child.

Let the worry monster eat up your worries....

I am sure you will be familiar with the ‘worry monsters’!  These are used a lot and there are many versions of them in our high street shops but you don’t need to purchase one to do this activity.

The idea is that at night your child can write down on some paper or card any worries they have.  Your child then pops the worry in to the monster’s mouth before going to sleep.  Once your child is asleep, you then take the pieces of paper out and magic happens – in the morning the worry is gone!

As a parent or carer, you can then see what your child is worried about and work out how best to help them.

The good thing is you really don’t need to buy a monster – we use jars, or a plastic pot, or a box.  Now is the time that you and your child can get really creative with cutting and sticking and making your pot look beautiful!

To help you out, take a look at this:-

https://www.drstephaniemargolese.com/the-worry-jar-technique-help-your-child-overcome-worries-and-anxiety

Put on some relaxing music too!  Really create that calming environment.

One thing to think about during this time is the way you and your child are together – we often hear the word ‘attachment’ used to describe our relationship with our child.  This term comes from a man called John Bowlby who first talked about attachment and what it means.  There is lots and lots of information around to learn about attachment but, in short, attachment is a basic human need.  Attachment is the foundation for our safety, security, protection and certainty.

During this stressful time, it is important that we feel attached to our children and they feel attached to us so all these activities will help – even when it feels like they aren’t!  If one day feels tough and it just isn’t ‘happening’ put it away and come back to it later or the next day.  They are always in your ‘toolbox’.

As adults we also need to feel attached to others as well as our child.  If we have healthy relationships with our peers, we feel ‘nourished’ and this helps our relationship with our children so make sure you call a friend or a family member or a neighbour to have a chat and ‘check-in’.  We are social creatures and we need to attach!  We just have to find ways around it right now!

Try to have a routine as best you can – perhaps one thing is a focus for the day, whether it’s making a worry jar, or doing the fight/flight exercise or creating the safe space – having a focus will give you a sense of achievement even when the day feels horribly long and you want to stay under that duvet!

So, today’s ‘to do’s’….

• Create a worry jar
• Call a friend
• Do one thing at a time!

See you tomorrow!

Good morning to you all, my name is Nikki, I manage the Domestic Abuse Practitioner Outreach Team and I’m taking over from Joss who has been talking to you about supporting children and young people.  

So, first things first, a bit about us!

Our team is made up of 11 strong, lively, feisty, funny, dedicated, tenacious and knowledgeable warriors who each and every day fight the good fight alongside our clients who are spread across North and Mid Essex.  During these very surreal times we have been offering support and reassurance over the phone, email and web chat to our clients who, in most cases, are living in incredibly difficult circumstances with abusers who they are not able to escape from.  As a team we really aware that some of our clients, prior to lockdown, may have been on the brink of leaving… and now all plans have been thwarted and all the courage they had worked so hard to conjure up (with the support and dedication of their DAP) may have gone and they have been left deflated and defeated.

Unless you have experienced living with a perpetrator it’s probably difficult imagine trying to deal with these very powerful emotions and the impact this is having on their mental wellbeing, we know from experience that these brave survivors may well be starting to sense that a sinister undercurrent is brewing in their home.  This unease could (and in all likelihood will) suddenly and for no good reason shift and they will find themselves and their children dealing with an incident that puts their safety in jeopardy.  The shift could take many forms - it could be a physical assault, it could be an emotional or verbal tirade, it could be a sexual incident.

We know that some of you might be reading this and be in exactly this position right now… or you might be reading this and thinking that you know someone who is experiencing this and wondering what you can do, or even say to them to help.

Anyone reading this who has experienced, or is in the midst of an abusive relationship will be only too aware of this cycle and they know that this is how it goes.   We have heard from our clients that they are seeing these outbursts getting more intense during lockdown because the controller they are living with is not able to leave the house, the controller themselves are being controlled by an unseen virus and they do not like to be told what to do by anyone or anything…

We know from speaking to our clients, that the lockdown has meant that some perpetrators may not be able to feed their addictions, or they may be over feeding their addictions due to boredom or frustration and this in turn will be affecting their mental health.  There is so much research about the dangerous cocktail of this ‘toxic trio’ (the combination of domestic abuse, substance misuse and mental health issues) as it leads to emotions being intensified which in turn drives behaviours.  Most people will recognise that other stresses may also be affecting the situation for the family, things such as lack of work and therefore money, lack of space and time alone.

For our survivors, a term we often use to recognise the huge achievement in surviving after or during unspeakable trauma, they are having to manage the risks they are living with more effectively than ever before.  As practitioners, we are scared for the safety of our survivors as we know that their access to help and support has shrunk, these lifelines they rely on to cope are not as easily available and they are having to self-manage.  Imagine life where you are desperately trying to maintain the status quo, to be constantly walking on eggshells and working so very hard every minute of every day trying not to ‘poke the bear’.  You don’t need to have personally experienced this to imagine just how incredibly draining this must be and how severely this can impact their mental health in the long term.

So, what if this is you, or someone you know…?

Unfortunately, we don’t have a magic cure or an instant fix that we can share, but there are some practical things that are sensible precautions if you are currently trapped in a home that isn’t safe.

We know that if you are a survivor, most likely you will know all these things already and be doing them, but it’s always good to have a quick mental checklist to make sure that in your desperation to keep everything on an even keel, you haven’t missed something vital…  or if you are concerned about someone you know, who doesn’t have the opportunity to escape (and it’s safe to be able to share some advice, that comes without any judgement) then these are really good things to be aware of:

• Know where in your home is a ‘safe sanctuary’ where you could bundle yourself and your children should things turn quickly. This safe space will ideally be lockable and if it offers a form of escape such as a window, all the better.
• Keep your phone with you at all times and make sure it’s charged and ready to call 999.
• We know of one of our survivors, who literally survived as a result of a code word that they had arranged with a friend or family member who knew that when that word was said or sent in a text they needed help.
• Have the Hollie Guard app (https://hollieguard.com/) on your phone so that you can access help quickly with a shake of the phone.
• If you have the opportunity, pack a secret bag with clothes, medication, documents such as passports and birth certificates – ready to go if necessary.

Another great app to have access to if you are in this situation is Bright Sky https://www.hestia.org/brightsky which allows you to access local support across the UK.  It also allows survivors to complete their own DASH risk assessment and log all incidents (emotional as well as physical) which helps when reporting to Police.

As Joss covered in her blogs previously, it’s a really good idea to teach your children how to call 999 and maybe even how to access the 55 service. (https://fullfact.org/crime/dial-999-silent-call-hang-up/)  It’s also good if you are able to make an arrangement with your children so that they know a place to meet if you need to flee and they get separated.  Joss’ earlier blog here gives some other advice on helping children living in a house with an abusive parent.

And last, but of course, no means least, contact us – remember that warrior team I told you about at the beginning of this blog, well we are all here and waiting to take your call for help or support.  You might find that small window of opportunity when you are out at the shop (luckily shops only allow one person from a household in at the moment), or perhaps during a walk to the park (while the kids are kicking a ball maybe…)  to be able to reach out to us.

Our most important message that we are sharing is that we know that none of this is a survivor’s fault.  We are continuing to give that reassurance and we’re really clear that however hard the lockdown may feel,  COVID-19 does not excuse the behaviour of their abuser.

So, if you get the opportunity, know that we’re here to help pick you up and dust you off and let you know that there is always a way out, we will always be there to help and you are worthy of so much more than this.

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Are you are having one of those grey days where you just want to hide from the world?  The walls are caving in and it’s all getting a bit too much.  This is for you  xo

‘I want to feel normal’ you say... What’s normal?  We all have our own little world that is normal to us - be that good or bad.  The Covid war has gone on for longer than any of us expected...  I met the lock down with a smile and a feeling of “it’s only for a while” but that 'while' turned into weeks and when I found myself in isolation for 14 days, alone - well - not much to smile about after all.

I found myself binge watching Netflix and very quickly I became aware of how alone I felt.  At times it was okay but I felt a real hollow in my heart, it was not a nice feeling and reminded me of a former life where mental health dominated who I was.  I recognised in myself those little warning signs and I took care of myself with simple tasks that lifted my spirits.  I talked to friends, listened to music and went for walks, I like art so I did some drawing.  It made such a difference to how I feel in myself and I would encourage you to care for yourself during this period where so many are feeling socially isolated and a sense of loneliness.

You may have been experiencing some difficult issues and perhaps this has affected your mental health in some way?  You’ve maybe tried to be strong and soldier on through your feelings or perhaps you feel that everything is crumbling around you and no matter what you say or do you feel lost?

Mental Health can affect every part of our lives. It can come in small gentle waves breaking against the shore or it’s a tidal wave crashing into the rocks.  We know that it can strike down out of nowhere and there are many causes such as emotional or physical trauma that we have suffered, a bereavement, health issues, relationships, employment and financial …the list is long.  Every individuals journey is different and everybody copes differently with mental health.

If you are aware of mental health then you have a head start in understanding what you are experiencing.  If you have no idea what on earth is happening to you, it can be terrifying and embarrassing.  Depression is when someone feels sad all of the time and no longer have interest of pleasure in things that used to feel rewarding or interesting, even the happiest people can become depressed. Anxiety is feeling of unease, like a worry or fear and can happen in even in the calmest of places.   Everyone feels anxious from time to time and it usually passes once the situation is over.  When anxiety becomes a problem, our worries can be out of proportion with relatively harmless situations. It can feel more intense or overwhelming, and interfere with our everyday lives and relationships.  An anxiety attack can happen in the most unexpected time or place and the bravest people can suffer from anxiety.

What is Mental Health?

Mental Health includes our emotional, psychological and social well-being.  It affects how we think and feel.  Our mental health determines our relationships with other people, how we handle stress and deal with daily life, and can impact on the choices we make.  The state of our mental health is very important throughout the stages of our life from during childhood into adolescents and all through our adulthood.

Good mental health is to experience both positive and negative emotions.  It is normal to feel happy, positive and confident and it is also perfectly normal to feel down, feel stress and anger, it is not always about being happy.  Every day we feel a range of emotions and display different moods based on what’s happening around us.

It's perfectly normal to have good days and bad days - but understanding when you are starting to struggle to cope with how you are feeling is important.  Here are some links to other organisations and websites that can give you some more information and help you understand some of the feelings you might be experiencing.

https://www.nhs.uk/oneyou/every-mind-matters/anxiety

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/about-depression/

What you are feeling can range from constant low moods, lack of interest and worrying about everything through to feeling worthless, feeling lost or numb and having thoughts of self-harm or suicide.  

If you feel suicidal or are having thoughts of self-harm, then please do contact your GP, 111 or 999 immediately.

In this moment of personal crisis when you know what you feel is not normal it is important to respond to what your mind and body is telling you, pay attention to what is happening inside of you.  You might be feeling frustrated and a sense of hopelessness, I understand it can become so overwhelming in itself that it is hard to reach out for help when you might not completely understand or be aware what is happening to you.

Trying to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs is a short-term problem that will only escalate everything that is happening to you into an even bigger problem further down the line. If you have friends or family, someone that you can confide in please talk to them, it will take so much of the burden away from you. It will be tremendous help for you to have someone you can talk to and get you through this tough time. There are so many services and options available you do not have to suffer alone. There are befriending services if you have no one you can turn to and if you are a parent there is organisations that can support you as you struggle to parent your children with mental health.  Some of our previous blogs might also help, particularly this one about looking after yourself as a parent.  

My name is Claire, I am a domestic abuse practitioner and my role is to support victims of abuse. People share with me how difficult it is to get through each day.  We talk about what is happening and as well as talking I listen because to listen is to understand.  I always say to people “we will do this together, one step at a time”.  Mental health is a step by step recovery process.  If you are reading this and you have mental health issues you are so brave because you have recognised you need support.  To learn what is happening to you gives you the power to help you get better.  Hopefully in your journey you will come to understand you body and mind better than before.  Self-care is a huge part of preventing, recognising and treating mental health.  Below is a list of self-care tips for you, they may seem simple but these basic things are crucial for a happier, healthier you.

Self-Care:

• Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally and physically.
• Make sure you are eating healthily, have a good fluid intake and are getting enough sleep
• Where you can have plenty of rest and relaxation, do things that help you to reduce your stress. Limit online activity which can reduce the negative messages that are on a loop.
• Try to maintain your daily routine, it helps to keep you busy.
• Use coping strategies to care of yourself, these are things that make you feel better and take you out of the negative place. For example, speaking to a friend or family member, going for a walk because fresh air and exercise is really good to clear your head. Listen to music, use art or craft or read a book. What ever interests you and lifts you up out of that grey place is your coping strategy.
• I often encourage people to keep a journal of what they are going through, some people find it really cathartic to write down their feelings and they are often surprised how much they open up to themselves.
• Set tasks for yourself each day, so you have something to complete. They say to make your bed every morning when you get up to prevent the temptation to craw back under the duvet.
• Instead of the TV listen to music.
• Get crafting, this is a favourite of mine and especially if you have children this is a fun activity you can do together.
• Face time & phone. It is always good to catch up with friends and loved ones. Surprising how much a laugh and a chat can pick you up.

Darina will be with you on Friday to talk to you about picking yourself up after an abusive relationship, steps you can take to "put yourself back together" and protecting yourself in your next relationship.  Until then I wish you well.

A resource for alcohol rehab and treatment during the COVID-19 pandemic

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Hello everyone and welcome to my blog, my name is Shelly and I too am proud to work as a Domestic Abuse Practitioner within Next Chapter. This blog is focused on the pain that’s left behind after escaping from an abusive relationship, we already know that domestic abuse comes in many forms and cannot always be seen by the naked eye. But what we may not yet know is how to cope with these thoughts and feelings that are often left hanging around for what can sometimes feel like forever.

Here at Next Chapter we are here for you no matter what stage of your journey, be it in the midst of the storm or the aftermath. We will continue to support and guide you even if you are still entwined deeply within this storm and do not even know if you can ever get out.

We are here to listen, offer a safe haven, guide you to other support networks and do whatever we can to help you find happiness and safety again. You are worth it after all.

“But what if this pain never goes away?” I hear you say...

Many women and men reach out for support many weeks/months or even years after the abuse has stopped. They still need our support as although it has stopped raining the clouds are still there and the dark shadows remain within their own minds. We offer that experienced listening ear to help you learn to live with those scars and shadows that have been left behind.

These feelings can be confusing, over whelming even, especially if you are now free and away from that relationship.

“This is what you wanted“ I hear you telling yourself. “It’s all over now so why can’t I be happy?” “I still love him…..how can this be?”

These are all perfectly natural feelings and reactions to loss and grief and some may even compare it to a bereavement.  Even if you don’t feel that way at all you may have been left feeling empty and confused or angry. We might constantly be bargaining with ourselves still or find that depression has taken over. We all deal with loss in our own individual ways and this is what makes each of us so unique. This is perfectly normal too. You are not going crazy I promise!

When unpicking my own losses in life I was advised by my counsellor at the time to make a timeline on a piece of paper. Simply draw a line across a sheet of A4 and start from birth to current day. Jot down each experience of loss in a timeline fashion.

I was astonished… I had lost a lot in my short life – 36 years if you have to know!! Jobs, relationships, relatives, friends and at one point at around the age of 25 I had noted that I had lost myself! I’m sure that most survivors of domestic abuse can understand that feeling too. A loss can be so huge that we literally have to learn to live again.

This simple tool had helped me to understand that as painful as each loss was for me I had continued to ‘survive’. Each loss had brought me its own level of pain but with that came a unique level of life experience and empathy for others going through any form of loss or grief. This helps me today in my work with clients, maybe it is something you could use too? Volunteering is a fantastic place to start.

Take a look at this BBC video on coping with a bereavement. If you swap the word bereavement for loss I feel it applies to both…

https://twitter.com/bbciplayer/status/987990393437540352?lang=en

I suppose the main thing I wanted to get across to you truly amazing people is that with every painful experience in life some positives can be found.  Each experience can be managed and faced with the support of family, friends or your Domestic Abuse Practitioner.

Explore it, talk about it, try and learn from it if you can but most of all please do forgive yourself for any confusing thoughts that may pop into your mind even years after the event. This is just your brains way of learning to recover and live again and if you give it half a chance you’ll be surprised at what it can do.

Thanks for reading!

Shelly x

Hello my name is Darina and I am a Domestic Abuse Practitioner. My key role is to support survivors of domestic abuse and help them find the strength and power to within them to build themselves up again and move on.

If I was to ask you to imagine a victim of domestic abuse what would be the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it an image of woman being beaten up, bruised, swollen lips, black eye, broken bones? Yes, many of us will imagine the same or something similar.

But what about the invisible bruises, the ones that nobody can see? Most people would assume that domestic abuse is the physical part, but is it much more than that; It is name calling, shouting, constant putting down, humiliations, swearing, cruel comments and so much more. This will slowly force its way into the victim’s thoughts and the feeling of emptiness, sadness, uselessness will replace the inner beauty and confidence. Those will be broken into thousand of pieces and scattered all over until nothing is left…  so, the question is can you get it back?

I will be honest, YES ABSOLUTELY YOU CAN, it will be not easy, but you can make it even more beautiful than it was before…. And we are going to learn how to protect it, so it can never be taken apart again

So, your confidence is not in pieces, and many of them might even be missing. But don’t worry, as we can work on this. I am sure that at some point in your life you have done a puzzle, right? So think of your confidence as puzzle that we need to build up. The image is you, the most beautiful, strong and confident that you have ever felt, like a beautiful rainbow glowing in vibrant colours.

Like with any puzzle we now start sorting what we have, put the edges together, sort the colours. Imagine that every aspect of your confidence is different colour. We all know that doing puzzles take determination, persistence, trust in yourself that you can do it, and time. You need to know that is not going to be just waving wand, but that makes it more special. This is your edge/frame, and you have all the pieces, so let have a look at the other colours…

Get yourself a little diary, and a pen. Every morning when you wake up the first thing you do is to look in the mirror and find something beautiful in yourself and give yourself a compliment. Do not look with the dark voice in your head that tells you all those nasty things – that voice is not there anymore, it has been silenced by the frame you just build. Look with the eyes that are searching for the missing piece. Everything else is not there… concentrate and you will find it…. it can be anything you … now write it down, and continue your day as you would normally do, reminding yourself of your find.

You need to remember that no two puzzle pieces are the same, so the next day you will look for a different piece (meaning you cannot find the same compliment again) and write it down, by the end of the week you will have number of different compliments that you have written down. Bring your friend/family and share it with them out loud. And you know what, with friends looking for pieces the puzzle will go faster. Ask them to do the same, but do not share what you or them had written until the end of the week.

Soon you will have the whole image completed, but you can keep expanding it as it is yours and yours only….

And now that you have worked so hard to build your picture you will need to take care of it, and protect it, so it can grow…and you need to grow with it because you are worth it.

So when you ready ……

There are so many aspects of relationship that nobody would be able to put it all together. Is just so complex, and unique to everybody. However, there are few themes that can be shared between them all

Are there any ‘rules’ that we can follow? We can make our own rules, draw from your own experience, search in your mind for the little clues and remember …

• You cannot compare your relationship to somebody else, as you are not them and they are not you
• Movie love is not a true love
• Is not just butterflies in your tummy any and rainbows all the time – is working together to find the peace and feeling of home
• There is such a thing as too much attention or too much love. You might be in love and want to spend all the time together but this should not come at cost of your friends and family
• Be yourself do what you enjoy to do, as your partner should join you not restrict you
• Be honest, respect, trust and support. This will be hard at the beginning but sometimes you need to take a leap of faith. So, take small steps, but do not put your guard down
• If you not sure about something ask, seek help – do not hold it inside you
• Observe – how they behave when you alone and how they are when you in public
• Do not share too much of yourself – do not let them know where to strike
• Show them that you are strong, independent and that you don’t need them

Those are the signs you need to be looking for, but remember the masks of perpetrator can be on very firmly and we will only know the truth about him when we are with them alone behind the closed doors….

Good morning to you all, my name is Zara and I am a domestic abuse practitioner for Next Chapter and I support survivors of domestic abuse.  My background comes with experience of working directly with male and female perpetrators of domestic abuse and I wanted to share some insight with you.

If I were to ask you, what does a perpetrator look like?  What or who would you think of?

Before I came into this role I had a view in my head of what I thought a perpetrator would look like.  I had a view on how I thought they would act too.

They didn’t look how I thought they would.  I think that is the strange part of it all.  Within society we think we would or should know what a perpetrator looks like, how they would act and that it would be more obvious for us.

It isn’t.

The scary thing is you could walk down the street and it could be any person, tall, short, muscly, skinny.  Even their job roles… we think a criminal, someone who has convictions… when really, they can be anyone, any job.  I have worked with solicitors, I have worked with people who have had non related convictions.

The reason I am discussing this is because we all have had those thoughts.

He’s charming smart and comes across to others as a nice person, no one will believe me, no one will listen to me, no one will hear me.

We often hear how they can act one way in front of others but behind closed doors they are a different person. Its like they are Jekyll and Hyde. The one side of him that you love and then there is the other side to him. One that no one really knows about other then you. It doesn’t always start with the extreme. They started with the digs, the put downs, the making you feel like your going crazy. The little things that you can’t quite put your finger on but gives you that feeling in your tummy that makes you feel like something is not okay. We don’t always understand that feeling. We don’t always recognise that what is going on is abusive either. Then there comes a time, where we feel like we are drowning. How do we get out of this? What do I do? The worries and the panic. We don’t think it will ever happen to us, that we will be in a domestic abusive relationship. It is more common then you think though. 1 in 4 woman and 1 in 6 men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. You are not alone.

A perpetrator can use violence and abuse to assert power and control over their partner. When they believe their tactic of control is failing they may resort to using violence. Men biologically are more capable of causing physical harm. Not all perpetrators use physical harm every day or often, but rely on the fear of physical harm to keep their partner in check. These perpetrators can change their character in an instant.

A perpetrator comes in many forms. Overall, we name them “the dominator” but there are many different aspects to them.

The Bully uses intimidation and body language to control you. Slamming off doors, pacing, invading your personal space. They may shout, sulk or sneer.

The Headworker uses emotional abuse to control you by telling you’re your stupid, ugly, worthless with constant put downs.

The Jailer isolates his partner. Makes you feel bad for going out with family or friends. They may refuse to care for the children and be against you working to.

The Liar or more so the minimiser. Makes the abuse seem less then what it is. Denies what happened, he has an array of excuses such as loss of temper, self esteem etc and places blame on others.

The Bad Father uses the children to control and abuse. Sending messages via the children “mummy won’t let you see me,” employing a variety of tactics to turn the children against you or use them to manipulate or harass you.

King of the Castle using male privilege to control.  Refuses to do anything, no housework, won’t cook a meal won’t help with children because it is their belief that it is a woman’s role.

Sexual Controller uses sex as a form of control. They make us have sex or sexual acts when we do not want to. This can be rape and even unwanted touching. Touching and sex while you are asleep or even you giving in after pestering. Being told “if you loved me you would”.

Persuader often comes in when the relationship is over or when we try to leave. They have an enormous amount of threats, threats to you or himself, bribes, intimidation or humiliation. They will tell us they can’t cope without us, that they can’t stop crying because how can they live without us. They will use coercion to make you feel sorry for him and take him back.

A perpetrator doesn’t have to be just one of these.  It can be a combination.  Fundamentally you know your partner.  You know them well enough to know what would upset them and cause them harm.  If they continue to upset you, even though they know what will, that is abusive.

Domestic abuse is an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence.

Perpetrators have poor emotional management and adverse behaviour.  Perpetrators often have poor empathy.  Abusive partners tend to be less aware of their internal state and have greater difficulty in identifying their emotions.  They tend to have low tolerance for unpleasant, negative emotions combined with aggression which provides an immediate short-term relief from those negative emotions.  This relief then reinforces the negative behaviour as its a short-term relief from the negative emotion.

The way we act is based upon our beliefs.  All our actions are driven by our beliefs and they effect our behaviour.  A perpetrator’s beliefs are often distorted and contradict each other and this is known as cognitive dissonance.  Belief systems are made up of our global/ society beliefs, our community beliefs, our relationships and our own individual beliefs. Our greatest influence is ourselves.  Us alone have the power to challenge our beliefs.

Something I discuss often with survivors;              

It comes down to a choice.  We reach an age where we are able to make our own decisions regardless of our upbringing and beliefs.  This age usually is in our early 20's where we start to rationalise and challenge our beliefs.

Often, I will hear on perpetrator groups that they experienced abuse as a child (cycle of abuse) or they grew up believing certain things (belief systems) but we reach an age where we can challenge our beliefs and make changes which is called the age of autonomy.  We are responsible for our own behaviour and our own actions.

I hear survivors tell me that he has been through a lot and you’ve tried to help him.  I'm sure you have tried everything you can but they are responsible for their own actions.  I hear that they acted the way they did because of something a survivor said or done.  I’ve had a case where a man told her if she didn’t nag so much he would not have hit her.  Simply NO.  We make choices.  The choice was made to act in the way they did.  Those choices are harder to make when we are not thinking rationally and our emotional arousal is through the roof but they are still choices.  Bad choices.

We hear often that he lost control.  A complete loss of control would be fatal.  At some point in the abuse they choose to stop at a certain point.  Complete loss of control would not enable a point to stop.  They wouldn’t.  So, when he tells you he lost control it’s an excuse.  It's poor emotional management and bad choices have been made.

We hear often that he has mental health.  If it was true mental health then his behaviour would be like it to everyone. Including his work colleagues, boss, family his own mum.

I’m guessing though he doesn’t behave this way to others. Just you, just his partner. It’s a choice.

During lock-down things have become heightened and the living situation for many is a scary place to be at the moment.  It may not feel like you have a choice during lock-down but you do.  If it is safe to do so make contact.  There are different ways to do this.

You are here, reading this blog so please look at the options you have on our website.  You can message us, call, text, if it is not safe to make contact yourself tell somebody, anybody.  I know you fear being believed, you fear being listened to, you fear what might happen or how you are going to do this at all......

We hear you, we are listening, we are here to support you, empower you and give you control back of your life to start the Next Chapter.

For more information you can read the book “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven.