News, Impact, Stories & Blog

“Is it a crime?”

“Should I report it?”

‍“Will the Police believe me?”

“He had never hit me before.”

“He’s just jealous of my friends.”

“I stayed out a bit too long.”

“I should have known better.”

“He’s always been like this.”

“I’ve never reported before in all these years.”

"What will happen if I report him to the police?

“Will they arrest him?”

“My children will be cross with me and sad if he is arrested."

"What happens when he is released?"

"He will be mad!”

“He might kill me."

‍“I don’t want him to have a criminal record.”

“I just want the abuse to stop.”

“The thing is.. I don’t recognise this person I have become.”

“I am sorry and worried for my children living like this too, anxious, fearful, never saying what they think.”

“.. but what will we do without him?”

“How can I care for my children on my own?”

“I don’t know what to do.”

Hi, my name is Ana.  I am a Domestic Abuse Practitioner and have been supporting survivors of gender-based violence and domestic abuse for over a decade.  I have heard those phrases over and over again.  Those and many other practical considerations are some of the issues my clients struggle with before taking the decision of finally reporting their abusive partners to the police.

Do they resonate with you?

It might be that it was a neighbour calling the police forcing you to finally take that step.  Or that a seemingly unimportant thing that the abusive person did or said to you or your children, was the last straw and something just “clicked” in your mind and your heart, making everything clear.  You suddenly realise that this is not – as he tells you -  about being loved and protected, but about being undermined, trapped and abused.  Nevertheless, that moment when the uniformed police officers knock on the door can be one of the most frightening, anxious and loneliest times for anybody, and at the same time it can be the moment you – maybe shakily - but surely, start moving towards a life of dignity, respect, peace and safety for you and your children.  You ARE capable of doing that, even if your partner has been telling you how “incapable” you are of doing anything by yourself.  He just wanted you to think that, so that you would remain under his power and control.

Hopefully, you will have the support of a Domestic Abuse Practitioner (DAP) or an (IDVA) , an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate who will work with you if you are deemed to be a high risk of further harm.  Both will clarify any doubts about the process, guide you through it and will link with any other people you have been supported by, for example your health visitor, a midwife, a teacher at the children’s school or a social worker.  In some cases you will be also contacted by a Witness Protection Officer or Victim Support.  The benefit of this approach is that the support you get is co-ordinated, and relevant to your circumstances.  It also means that you don’t have to repeat what’s happened to every single person individually and that all aspects of your family’s life are  considered.  This is called working from a multi-agency approach to support.  And… of course you will have direct contact with the Police Officer in charge of your case.

So, how does it all work? What support can you expect from the Police and  the Criminal Justice System and what is the criminal justice process?

First things first - Reporting to the Police:

• Are things getting very heated and you start feeling threatened and unsafe?  Is someone else at risk of violence?  Do you need support straight away?  Call 999  Officers will attend as soon as possible.
• If it is not urgent, but you have decided you need to speak to the police about your circumstances and get information and advice from them: Call 101.  You will be given an appointment to speak to an officer.  They will meet you somewhere safe and if necessary in plain clothes, and they will discuss your options.

You can also call 101 to speak to the attending officer who came to the emergency call, if you don’t have his number.  You can quote the Incident number/ Crime Reference number they gave you and they will put you in contact with the officer.  Keep this safe and at hand, as you may also need it as evidence for other processes such as homelessness application and other housing and legal issues.  

After what seems like an eternity, there is a knock at the door and two uniformed police officers are there.  You are still shaken by what has happened, and suddenly it dawns on you “what’s going to happen now?”.  You feel both relieved but also scared to see them.  No need to… they are there to protect you and the children and any other members of your family who may be at risk.  They are professionals and they are following a protocol.  But they are also human and they are being asked to make an assessment of the situation in seconds and determine who is the suspect and who is the victim, or whether in fact a crime has been committed.  Sometimes, this is not patently clear at first glance unless of course there are physical signs of an assault.  I have been told that any such misunderstandings are most definitely rectified.

Let’s imagine the abusive person is rightly identified as the suspect and he is taken to the police for questioning.  When you are left alone and your children are looking at you as if saying “Mum, what did you do”?  That’s when you have to remain calm and stay on track.  This was not a rushed decision.  It was the result of accumulated grief and pain caused by the abuse and feel confident that you are preventing further and potentially more serious incidents.  Call someone you trust for reassurance and support.

What happens next?

• The “suspect” is at the Police Station (for up to 24 hours).  Officers return to your address.
• They will ask you to give a basic account of the incident and whether you will be supporting an investigation (below the benefits of supporting) and will assess your risk to further harm.
• Safeguarding you and the children will be their main concern, whatever your level of risk. So they will refer/signpost to other agencies (Next Chapter, Compass Children Social Care, Victim Support).  They may also “flag” your property and your mobile to treat any calls as urgent, or they will apply for a DVPO (Domestic Violence Protective Order), initially preventing the abusive person to return to the property for 48 hours.  If necessary they will extend it to 28 days by applying to Court.  You will also be referred to a Specialist Team (Domestic Abuse Investigating Team) and will be allocated an Officer in charge of your case who will communicate with you regularly.
• They will give you an Incident/Crime Reference number and one of the attending officer’s name and telephone number.  It’s a good idea to exchange emails, in case later on you wish to provide any details or updates and you can’t get to the phone.  

In the meantime at the police station:

• Police Officers decide whether they have enough evidence to keep him in custody and charge him or release him until further investigations are made.  They will do this only if they are satisfied that the survivor and children will be safe.  He may be on bail conditions not to return to the property.  If he is charged he will attend a first hearing where he can plead “guilty” or “not guilty”.  This is called a “Process Hearing”.  You don’t have to attend.  If he pleads guilty, he may be given a sentence then or shortly afterwards.  If he is in denial and pleads “not guilty”, they will set a court day at the Magistrates Court for trial.  If the crime requires a greater sentence it will go to Crown Court.
• The Police may have enough evidence so that you may not need to attend Court. BUT, if they have your statement, whether there is a conviction or not, they may be able to apply for a Protective Order called “Restraining Order” which can last anything from 1 year to 2 or 5 years or indefinitely.  That is the benefit of “supporting the investigation”.  One important document in this process is the Victim Impact Statement, which describes the effect that all the abuse has had on your mental and physical well-being.
• By the way, unless he is convicted, he won’t get a criminal record.
• If you did have to go to Court at some point, which I have been told by a Police Specialist Team Leader, is not a foregone conclusion, you would be supported to make it a less anxious time.  If you wish you will be taken for a pre-trial visit to the court by an Officer, at court you will be supported by the Witness Care Team and special measures (like a screen or video link) will be put in place so that you don’t have to face your ex-partner.  Afterwards they will inform you of the outcome of the hearing.

Now… if he has never hit you, you may still be asking yourself these questions:

“Is what he is doing a crime?” “Should I report his extreme jealousy and keeping me away from my family and friends?”  “Can I report him for making me feel worthless every day” “Can I go to the police because he never lets me have any mental or physical space?... not even in the bathroom”? “Or because every time I enrol on a course, he decides to work on those days and I have no one to look after the children”? “Should I tell the police that I have to tell him exactly where I am going, how long I will be, who I met on the way and what we talked about in detail?” Is it a crime when he threatens with harming me or the children?” or “when he threatens me with publishing  on social media something really private and embarrassing that I once told him about me?” ..”or when he broke my phone because I hadn’t answered it when he called me?“Should I report that he manages all our money even though I am the one who earns the most, because he says I am dreadful with finances and just gives me pocket money”?

The answer is : YES  !!!   ALL OF THAT CONSTITUTES A CRIMINAL OFFENCE .  It’s called Coercive and Controlling behaviour.  And if in doubt, stalking and harassment are also criminal offences.  Below are some links for further information on all these.

Of course, you may still not wish to go through the criminal justice route, whilst still wanting the abuse to finish.  If that is the case you can apply for a Non Molestation Order (aka injunction),  and an Occupation Order.  These will have to be the subject of another blog, because I have gone well over my word limit!

So, I would just like to finish by saying to you what I often say to my clients: “Dare to imagine a life in which you feel joyful, respected, honoured, where you can express yourself, fulfil your potential, watch your children playing, working, studying in a relaxed, peaceful atmosphere and..then let those feelings give you strength and determination to make the necessary changes in your life”

A client of mine once responded to this by saying: ”Oh I just imagine my children having a dog, running in the garden, laughing”. Her husband had never allowed the children any pets.  That was her motivation.  Find yours.  It’s your and your children’s human right.

Useful websites:

Police – 999 (emergency)

101 (non-emergency)

Essex Compass - 24 hour Domestic Abuse Helpline - 0330 333 7 444 - https://www.essexcompass.org.uk/

24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 200 0247 – www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk  

National LGBT Domestic Violence Helpline – 0300 999 5428 – www.brokenrainbow.org.uk/help/helpline

National Stalking Helpline – 0808 802 0300 – www.stalkinghelpline.org/faq/about-the-law/

Revenge Porn Helpline – 0845 6000 459 – www.revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

Stop Online Abuse – www.stoponlineabuse.org.uk

The Law Society (to find a solicitor) – www.lawsociety.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

Rights of Women (for detailed information on Criminal and Civil Justice processes and a host of legal issues linked to domestic abuse including coercive controlling behaviour)  www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Women’s Aid : www.womensaid.org.uk

I’m Joss and I manage our Children and Young People’s service and I’m here to share our first Monday morning message.

So, who would have thought that we would ever find ourselves in this situation?   I can’t believe that the things that we have taken for granted in our daily lives have now gone and I know that this can leave many feeling fearful and uncertain.

I have worked with many families to support them as they try to manage their safety and that of their children.  I can only imagine that the living arrangements that were just about manageable before could now feel make you feel really vulnerable and make you question just how safe you are.  I know that going to school is part of our children’s daily routine, and that has now gone, with us as parents now being expected to be their teachers and support our children with subjects we may know nothing about.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve been staring at the screen for the last half an hour trying to work out if it’s their, there or they’re….!?

I also know that, for children who are or have experienced domestic abuse, school is likely to have been their safe haven, with teachers forming a part of their emotional support network.  For them, the loss of school isn’t just about education so for now, forget the school work…

Research tells us our children learn best when they are calm and feel connected, and I know from experience that this starts with YOU…  That probably feels a bit scary, especially if you are scared and struggling yourself, so how do you help your children be calm and connected?

If you have ever flown in a plane, you may remember the cabin crew safety briefing - in the event of loss of oxygen, a mask will drop down in front of you.  PUT YOUR OWN MASK ON first before helping others – this is because you can only help others if you have enough oxygen of your own.  It's the same in a crisis, to help your children you need to be able to look after your own emotional health and safety first.

As a first step consider how you feel.  Stare at this wheel of emotion, cast your eyes around it until you settle on a spot that seems to represent how you feel inside – if you were being really honest with yourself…[your current inner emotional make up]….

Maybe you feel some of these emotions, or perhaps you feel all of these emotions but at different times, you may also feel lots of other emotions that aren’t shown here.  Please be reassured that this is completely normal and to be expected in such difficult times.  You may be experiencing a loss of a sense of safety – this could be very real (loss of job leading to fears about paying bills) or perceived (not being able to see the virus so not knowing where you might catch it).

Spend some time recognising and acknowledging your own feelings (this takes time and practice – trust me!) – every day I find time to notice my feeling and say to myself ‘there’s anxiety’ or ‘there’s anger’ or ‘there’s contentment’.  If you like you can take notes or keep a log of your emotional journey or just jot down words that come to mind – over time this has really helped me to also be more aware of my children’s emotions.

So, for now, the focus is you - here’s your Monday morning to do list:-

• Take a shower and notice the sensation of the water
• Practice recognising and naming your emotions
• Look at yourself in the mirror. Smile, even it it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

You are now in a better place to talk to your child about what is happening in the world right now.  Get you and the children comfortable and take a look at these resources to help you explain.

Tomorrow we’ve got a great exercise that you can do together to create emotional safety within your home.  

For our younger learners:-

https://nosycrowcoronavirus.s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/Coronavirus-ABookForChildren.pdf

Other useful links:-

https://www.escb.co.uk/

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/make-a-donation/?gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItIiJqeKA6QIVhc13Ch3TPQXJEAAYASAAEgJo0_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Welcome back!  I really hoped you enjoyed yesterdays blog and found the emotion wheel useful.  It is something the Children’s Team use daily in their work with parents and they seem to really like it – last week one of our parents said that identifying how she is feeling at the start of the day helped her to cope with the rest of the day.  She said

‘If I feel worried or anxious in the mornings I know that I need to take extra care of myself during the day’.

We love this!  And so true!

I hope you managed to find time to talk to your child about Covid-19.  It’s really important that we talk openly with our children and use age-appropriate props to help us do this safely.  It’s also really important to know that THIS WON’T LAST FOREVER – it will pass, and we will do fun things outside with our friends again.

So, you survived Monday!  Well done.

One of the things that I am really missing is seeing my friends and family – we know that ‘being connected’ is really important for our mental health and emotional wellbeing.  Having close positive relationships gives us a purpose and a sense of belonging.  During this lockdown many of the ways we are usually connected to people – friends, family, work colleagues, school chums – have changed beyond all recognition.

As adults, we can make sense of it to a certain extent – but our children will find it harder to understand.  They cannot play with their friends, or celebrate their birthday as they would like to or play in a football match, and this is upsetting.

So today, I am going to show you a great exercise that is used regularly by the Children’s Team to help you child when they do get upset or feel overwhelmed.  We can’t change the fact that we’re going to be stuck indoors for a while so this exercise will help create a sense of safety in your home when things feel tough for your child.

Ask your child to think about their special place in the home.

• Do they have a room of their own or a favourite space in the house?
• Do they like to be in the garden if the weather’s ok, or the garden shed?
• Get them to tell you why they like it and if it makes them feel safe – is it because it’s private or with people?
• Do they like it to feel closed in?  Dark or light?
• Do they like their toys in there or things to cuddle?
• Is it sunny and warm?
• Do they like to have their snacks in there?

If your child doesn’t identify anywhere, ask them if they would like to make a special safe space – this is something you can create together and talk about why it is safe.

Then have a conversation with you child about how you can keep it safe and what it means if your child goes there during the day.

Think about your own space too – it might be your bedroom, the bath, a spot in the garden – anywhere where you feel you can have some peace surrounded by objects you like and things that bring you comfort.

Talk to your child about why this space is important to each of you – do you want to be alone?  Does this mean your child needs a cuddle and reassurance?

Our practitioners love this exercise – they encourage children to then create that safe space in their mind and go to this place when they feel they need to feel safe.  This really helps those children who may be spending some time with both parents – it’s something that stays with them all the time and they can use wherever they are.

Give it a go…!  I taught this to my children some time ago when they were having friendship issues in school and all they wanted to do was run home – they found if they went to their safe space in their mind to get ‘grounded’ again, they could manage with the rest of their day – now, as young adults, they still use this technique

So just before I sign off for today, I wanted to mention meditation.  Have you tried it?  Some schools are using guided meditation with their young learners as a calm down technique – it’s also really beneficial for adults too and is something I encourage the Children’s Team to do themselves every day.  I know life is busy and to do lists seem endless, but while we have some time on our hands – give it a go….

You could do the meditation with your child in their safe space.  Here’s a link to Rainbow Waterfall Peaceout – great stuff!

These exercises can really help when your child becomes overwhelmed and you seem at a loss as to how to help them – if you create the safe space while your child is calm and you both feel ‘connected’ you will have a ‘go to’ strategy for when calm and connection goes out of the window – which is does!  But is WILL return.  Good luck.

Tomorrow we are going to talk through our fight, flight, freeze response but in the meantime here are some other activities to help keep you connected to your child:-

• Play hide and seek
• Paint each other’s faces
• Play catch (this is really good for calming)
• Do a puzzle
• Give your child a piggy back

Have a great day.

It’s Wednesday!  Halfway through the week!

How are you feeling today?

The Children and Young Person’s Team have all ‘checked-in’ with themselves and reported a mixture of feelings today – hopeful, confident, discouraged, frustrated and thoughtful.  As a team, we try to check in with how we feel everyday – making an effort to understand our emotions without being too hard on ourselves,  can be really valuable in helping us manage them better and as a result we can find it easier to cope with situations, so stick with it.

How did you get on with the safe space exercise yesterday?

I hope it was a useful strategy – if not immediately but one you can use at any time.  It can feel really difficult to be the emotionally available adult when you are using all your resources to just get through the day.  Emotions can feel overwhelming when we experience them so some immediate strategies such as this one can be helpful.

These emotions can be so powerful that they trigger our fight/flight response and that’s when worrying and frightening thoughts start to race around in loops in our heads.  So today I want to show you an activity you and your child can do together to help build connectedness.

I know many of you will be familiar with the fight/flight, freeze response (sometimes just referred to as fight/flight) but in a nutshell this response is triggered when we perceive there is increased risk of threat or danger – the body activates the fight, flight or freeze response for survival.  When this is triggered, it makes learning new information and concentrating on anything really difficult as you are consumed with just trying to stay safe.  You may be experiencing strange physical feelings since lockdown started or even before – by being aware of these sensations can help us to manage during these difficult times.

Our team encourages children, young people and their parents to learn more about the fight, flight, freeze response.  Here are links to support you – the first one is for older children and the second one is for younger children:-

Right, get loads of colouring pens and felt tips ready.

Now, copy this drawing of a gingerbread man or print one out of you prefer.  Have one for you and one for each of your children.

Get yourself and the children settled and ready to use their imagination!  Ask everyone to imagine they are in a wood and walking calmly along a beautiful path surrounded by beautiful trees.  Suddenly they go around a corner and come face to face with a great big grizzly bear!

Using the pens and pencils ask everyone to draw or write on the gingerbread person what they are feeling in their body when they see that bear!

Would they begin to sweat?  Would their body shake?  Would their pupils dilate?  Breathing get faster?  Muscles tense?  Heartbeat faster?

Now for the science bit - these are physiological responses to perceived danger and are designed to help us when our brain thinks we are in danger.  Our brain releases hormones (mainly cortisol and adrenaline) that give us extra strength and energy to either run away, or fight, or freeze.  All the areas shown in this diagram can be affected…

The Children’s Team think it really can help us if we have some understanding of what’s happening in our bodies and use this activity often with the families we support.  To help us manage these feelings the Team use what we call grounding techniques, here are the ones we use every day to help keep us feeling safe in our bodies:-

• Wiggle your fingers
• Tap your feet
• Cuddle your favourite stuffed toy
• Hold an ice cube and let it melt in your hand
• Take a look outside, count the number of trees you can see

Remember – this situation is new to all of us, and we are all learning at our own pace – you are not superhuman – be kind to yourself!

Welcome to Thursday and a change in the weather!  How does that make you feel?  For my young adults it seems to give them permission to have a ‘duvet day’ and stay in bed for longer but for younger children it may mean you have to find more to occupy them!  The weather may make you feel ‘flat’ and less motivated or relieved that you can also have a duvet day!  Whatever you’re feeling it’s ok to feel – feelings and thoughts come and go.  Sometimes, during times of stress, I know for me negative thoughts can stick – I have a saying on my fridge to help me when this happens.  It says ‘Have a Teflon mind, not a Velcro mind’.

Having worrying thoughts about what is happening right now is a normal reaction – we are not in a ‘normal’ situation.  For many of us life has changed dramatically and during crisis we have a loss of a sense of safety.  This may be actual, for example, loss of employment leading to worries about paying the rent, or perceived, such as not being able to see the virus so not knowing where you might catch it.

And so our children will also have worries.  Yesterday we talked about physical responses to stress, today I have an activity to show you that will help with worrying thoughts.  This is a great activity to use any time actually and the Children’s Team always recommend this one for children facing change such as starting a new school, or meeting a new step-parent or other family member, or a house move.  It really does help promote feelings of safety for your child.

Let the worry monster eat up your worries....

I am sure you will be familiar with the ‘worry monsters’!  These are used a lot and there are many versions of them in our high street shops but you don’t need to purchase one to do this activity.

The idea is that at night your child can write down on some paper or card any worries they have.  Your child then pops the worry in to the monster’s mouth before going to sleep.  Once your child is asleep, you then take the pieces of paper out and magic happens – in the morning the worry is gone!

As a parent or carer, you can then see what your child is worried about and work out how best to help them.

The good thing is you really don’t need to buy a monster – we use jars, or a plastic pot, or a box.  Now is the time that you and your child can get really creative with cutting and sticking and making your pot look beautiful!

To help you out, take a look at this:-

https://www.drstephaniemargolese.com/the-worry-jar-technique-help-your-child-overcome-worries-and-anxiety

Put on some relaxing music too!  Really create that calming environment.

One thing to think about during this time is the way you and your child are together – we often hear the word ‘attachment’ used to describe our relationship with our child.  This term comes from a man called John Bowlby who first talked about attachment and what it means.  There is lots and lots of information around to learn about attachment but, in short, attachment is a basic human need.  Attachment is the foundation for our safety, security, protection and certainty.

During this stressful time, it is important that we feel attached to our children and they feel attached to us so all these activities will help – even when it feels like they aren’t!  If one day feels tough and it just isn’t ‘happening’ put it away and come back to it later or the next day.  They are always in your ‘toolbox’.

As adults we also need to feel attached to others as well as our child.  If we have healthy relationships with our peers, we feel ‘nourished’ and this helps our relationship with our children so make sure you call a friend or a family member or a neighbour to have a chat and ‘check-in’.  We are social creatures and we need to attach!  We just have to find ways around it right now!

Try to have a routine as best you can – perhaps one thing is a focus for the day, whether it’s making a worry jar, or doing the fight/flight exercise or creating the safe space – having a focus will give you a sense of achievement even when the day feels horribly long and you want to stay under that duvet!

So, today’s ‘to do’s’….

• Create a worry jar
• Call a friend
• Do one thing at a time!

See you tomorrow!

Good morning to you all, my name is Nikki, I manage the Domestic Abuse Practitioner Outreach Team and I’m taking over from Joss who has been talking to you about supporting children and young people.  

So, first things first, a bit about us!

Our team is made up of 11 strong, lively, feisty, funny, dedicated, tenacious and knowledgeable warriors who each and every day fight the good fight alongside our clients who are spread across North and Mid Essex.  During these very surreal times we have been offering support and reassurance over the phone, email and web chat to our clients who, in most cases, are living in incredibly difficult circumstances with abusers who they are not able to escape from.  As a team we really aware that some of our clients, prior to lockdown, may have been on the brink of leaving… and now all plans have been thwarted and all the courage they had worked so hard to conjure up (with the support and dedication of their DAP) may have gone and they have been left deflated and defeated.

Unless you have experienced living with a perpetrator it’s probably difficult imagine trying to deal with these very powerful emotions and the impact this is having on their mental wellbeing, we know from experience that these brave survivors may well be starting to sense that a sinister undercurrent is brewing in their home.  This unease could (and in all likelihood will) suddenly and for no good reason shift and they will find themselves and their children dealing with an incident that puts their safety in jeopardy.  The shift could take many forms - it could be a physical assault, it could be an emotional or verbal tirade, it could be a sexual incident.

We know that some of you might be reading this and be in exactly this position right now… or you might be reading this and thinking that you know someone who is experiencing this and wondering what you can do, or even say to them to help.

Anyone reading this who has experienced, or is in the midst of an abusive relationship will be only too aware of this cycle and they know that this is how it goes.   We have heard from our clients that they are seeing these outbursts getting more intense during lockdown because the controller they are living with is not able to leave the house, the controller themselves are being controlled by an unseen virus and they do not like to be told what to do by anyone or anything…

We know from speaking to our clients, that the lockdown has meant that some perpetrators may not be able to feed their addictions, or they may be over feeding their addictions due to boredom or frustration and this in turn will be affecting their mental health.  There is so much research about the dangerous cocktail of this ‘toxic trio’ (the combination of domestic abuse, substance misuse and mental health issues) as it leads to emotions being intensified which in turn drives behaviours.  Most people will recognise that other stresses may also be affecting the situation for the family, things such as lack of work and therefore money, lack of space and time alone.

For our survivors, a term we often use to recognise the huge achievement in surviving after or during unspeakable trauma, they are having to manage the risks they are living with more effectively than ever before.  As practitioners, we are scared for the safety of our survivors as we know that their access to help and support has shrunk, these lifelines they rely on to cope are not as easily available and they are having to self-manage.  Imagine life where you are desperately trying to maintain the status quo, to be constantly walking on eggshells and working so very hard every minute of every day trying not to ‘poke the bear’.  You don’t need to have personally experienced this to imagine just how incredibly draining this must be and how severely this can impact their mental health in the long term.

So, what if this is you, or someone you know…?

Unfortunately, we don’t have a magic cure or an instant fix that we can share, but there are some practical things that are sensible precautions if you are currently trapped in a home that isn’t safe.

We know that if you are a survivor, most likely you will know all these things already and be doing them, but it’s always good to have a quick mental checklist to make sure that in your desperation to keep everything on an even keel, you haven’t missed something vital…  or if you are concerned about someone you know, who doesn’t have the opportunity to escape (and it’s safe to be able to share some advice, that comes without any judgement) then these are really good things to be aware of:

• Know where in your home is a ‘safe sanctuary’ where you could bundle yourself and your children should things turn quickly. This safe space will ideally be lockable and if it offers a form of escape such as a window, all the better.
• Keep your phone with you at all times and make sure it’s charged and ready to call 999.
• We know of one of our survivors, who literally survived as a result of a code word that they had arranged with a friend or family member who knew that when that word was said or sent in a text they needed help.
• Have the Hollie Guard app (https://hollieguard.com/) on your phone so that you can access help quickly with a shake of the phone.
• If you have the opportunity, pack a secret bag with clothes, medication, documents such as passports and birth certificates – ready to go if necessary.

Another great app to have access to if you are in this situation is Bright Sky https://www.hestia.org/brightsky which allows you to access local support across the UK.  It also allows survivors to complete their own DASH risk assessment and log all incidents (emotional as well as physical) which helps when reporting to Police.

As Joss covered in her blogs previously, it’s a really good idea to teach your children how to call 999 and maybe even how to access the 55 service. (https://fullfact.org/crime/dial-999-silent-call-hang-up/)  It’s also good if you are able to make an arrangement with your children so that they know a place to meet if you need to flee and they get separated.  Joss’ earlier blog here gives some other advice on helping children living in a house with an abusive parent.

And last, but of course, no means least, contact us – remember that warrior team I told you about at the beginning of this blog, well we are all here and waiting to take your call for help or support.  You might find that small window of opportunity when you are out at the shop (luckily shops only allow one person from a household in at the moment), or perhaps during a walk to the park (while the kids are kicking a ball maybe…)  to be able to reach out to us.

Our most important message that we are sharing is that we know that none of this is a survivor’s fault.  We are continuing to give that reassurance and we’re really clear that however hard the lockdown may feel,  COVID-19 does not excuse the behaviour of their abuser.

So, if you get the opportunity, know that we’re here to help pick you up and dust you off and let you know that there is always a way out, we will always be there to help and you are worthy of so much more than this.

‍