Amber - Counselling At 19 Amber met Darren, within 2 months she was living with him and fell pregnant. Initially Darren was kind, caring and supportive; listened to her and said he wanted to protect her from her family. Once their son was born, Darren chose a house several hours away from Amber’s family in an isolated village; she did not drive or have an income. Expand Amber was 28, mixed ethnicity and had a young son. Amber felt incredibly isolated; the relationship with her mother was either intense or distant depending on her mother’s needs; Amber often found herself at the centre of family feuds, attempting to keep the peace whilst trying to avoid being further isolated by the blame associated with not keeping her brother out of trouble with the Police. Her father eventually left the family home when she was 11, leaving Amber feeling disconnected from his new life. At 19 Amber met Darren, within 2 months she was living with him and fell pregnant. Initially Darren was kind, caring and supportive; listened to her and said he wanted to protect her from her family. Once their son was born, Darren chose a house several hours away from Amber’s family in an isolated village; she did not drive or have an income. Amber was manipulated into doing all the household tasks and cooking to which Darren would complain. Darren expected sex on demand and manipulated Amber into having sex with other men whilst he watched; he took photographs of her which he threatened to send to her family if she ever refused sex. She was kept in the house to care for their son unless Darren allowed her to go out the house with him; Darren controlled the finances and she felt completely trapped. Darren became more verbally abusive, would accuse Amber of cheating; put her down continuously both in respect of her mothering abilities and appearance. He started to threaten to hurt her physically; he would often threaten to kill her. Darren was a doorman and trained in martial arts, he started to use his training to overpower her. Amber suffered from anxiety and depression; she felt overwhelmed and fearful every day and knew she needed to protect her son. When her son turned 5 she decided that she just could not allow him to grow up as she had and sought the help of a local Woman’s Refuge. Over the next 3 years Amber stayed with distant relations and 3 Women’s Refuges in various parts of the country. She desperately wanted to feel settled, have a place she could call home and be connected to family; however Darren would find, harass and threaten her, including reporting their son as missing. Not only was the environment she grew up in non-supportive, she suffered from the imposition of many punishing conditions of worth which created an overwhelming need for approval and acceptance from others which continued into her relationship with Darren. So great was this need for acceptance, approval and love from others that Amber supressed her own desires, goals and ability to strive to be the person she wanted to be. Amber was offered an assessment session with space for her to explore what had brought her to counselling and what she would like from her time. Amber had little confidence or self-esteem; she did not know herself or her needs. She had lost all desire and motivation, she felt disempowered; she could not make changes to her life and had no hopes for her future. Amber’s desired outcome from counselling: “Self-awareness, focus and to find what I am passionate about. I feel like I don’t know myself and I want to understand my relationships. I want to feel less isolated; I want to feel safe and settled; I want to give my son a place we can call home. I no longer want to be afraid”. Amber was provided an initial set of 12 sessions with the option to negotiate a further 8 sessions if it was felt necessary. Amber attended 20 sessions consecutively. Darren had imposed a negative identity on Amber, she felt worthless, pathetic and inadequate, in the absence of contrary evidence from family and friends, Amber had no choice but to absorb the imposed identity. The sense of mistrust she held in relation to herself and others and a lack in confidence led to an impossibility of effective decision making. She was obligated to do things for her family that made her unhappy and described herself as putting herself through hurt in order to keep others happy. Amber was a frequent user of agency services of various kinds, she was frustrated and felt helpless; she always needed more, feeling totally incapable of helping herself. Amber spoke of private suicidal thoughts, she felt safe to share related thoughts and feelings which contributed immeasurably between client and counsellor. Once this trust had developed Amber was able to take more risks, knowing with a high degree of certainty, that she was accepted without judgement. Through person-centred counselling a safe, gentle, kind, supportive and trusting relationship was formed in order to initiate positive lasting change. This relationship gave Amber a secure base from which she could start to draw on her inner resources. Amber focused on rebuilding and re-establishing interpersonal relationships with a stronger sense of self and healthy boundaries. She decided that she no longer wanted to be a trapped in her relationship with her mother and she no longer felt compelled to do things that she did not want to do, including social gatherings, being drawn into family arguments and lending money. Priority was to rebuild a support network and for Amber to reconnect with others to assist in the process of healing. Amber made friends with a mother from her son’s school and remained in contact with a resident from the Refuge to whom she could relate. She was able to make informed choices about appropriate relationships, those who would empower her and those who may hinder. Amber decided that she felt safe in Colchester and wanted to make this her home, her son had settled nicely into his 8th school. Amber recognised that for both herself and her son they needed a secure base and stability, moving again was only running away, she no longer wanted to run away in fear. Amber says that she feels safe in Colchester and is enjoying putting her identity on her new home. Amber contacted a solicitor and there is now a court order in place for Darren to see their son, Amber has to do the handovers which has been difficult but she is incredibly proud of her strength and resilience. The agencies that Amber was working with, including Family Solutions, ceased support as they felt that Amber was managing well; this was a very proud moment for Amber as she feared abandonment from such agencies and now she appreciated the ending as a sign of their belief in her ability. Amber is passionate about writing poetry and is looking to support others who have experienced or are experiencing domestic abuse through her writing. She is looking to start college in the new academic year, possibly fashion design and plans to start driving lessons. Amber is able to move through life with a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment; she smiles when she is happy, her body language now mirrors her thoughts, feelings and emotions, she is congruent. She says she knows what she enjoys and has hopes and dreams for the future. She no longer needs others’ opinions, does not just accept what others say or do and makes her own choices. Amber looks in the mirror and likes the person she sees, she is proud of the woman she has fought to become. Upon finishing counselling Amber wrote “Counselling was a long journey. I feel positive, powerful and weightless. Everything was so heavy on my shoulders”.
Elder Abuse Older lady, who had experienced 28 years of domestic abuse from her husband, continued after his death by her son. Expand Contacted by 65 year old lady whose husband had died 3 years previously, She had experienced 28 years of domestic abuse from her husband and had more recently given up her Council tenancy to move in with her son and her granddaughter. Her husband, the perpetrator, used to pull her down the stairs by her hair and she has lumps and bumps on her head from her previous injuries. In her life she had lost a baby from cot death and her Dad had died in an accident. Whilst at boarding school she had been locked up and described herself as having “bad nerves”. We received a referral from Health in Mind who requested that we make contact with her. Our outreach service made contact and arranged to visit her. During the community visit, she disclosed that she had been in contact with Health in Mind and that they had suggested she contacted us to help her deal with her historic DV that was still affecting her mental wellbeing. She shared with us that her deceased husband used to severely abuse her and even though she moved in with her son and seven year old granddaughter, she did not have a bedroom and was sleeping on the sofa and he now wished her to move out. She was concerned that she didn’t feel confident to live on her own and felt that her nerves were too bad for her to cope on her own. She also shared that she had a friend who used to financially abuse her – continually asking for money and presents – but they had now fallen out. The situation came to crisis point when the Police attended the property due to an argument between her and her son over money and his attempt to financially abuse and control her. The Police intervened, removed her from the property and brought her directly to the Refuge due to the community support we were providing. We completed the necessary referral and DASH risk assessment which supported her move into refuge accommodation. During her time in refuge accommodation it became clear that the years of abuse at the hands of her husband, which continued with her friend and then her son had caused deep-rooted mental health issues. She no longer knew how to act appropriately in social situations and had numerous incidents where she behaved inappropriately with other service users and their children. Our support involved referrals to adult social care, health in mind, housing and our counselling service. Our Refuge Support Worker spent much time working with her to help her understand how the abuse she had experienced was affecting her behaviour and worked with her to help her recognise how to adjust her behaviour and take a health approach to forming new relationships and friendships. She was successful with her homelessness application and was put forward for sheltered accommodation. Her Refuge Support Worker assisted her with bidding on appropriate properties on a weekly basis. As a result of the support, she was allocated a 1 bedroom flat in a sheltered complex and she has remained in contact with some of the residents who were also in the refuge at the same time, building herself a support network. Her time in Refuge and the support provided helped improve her mental health and resilience and provided her with an understanding of non-abusive relationships to enable her to live a successful independent life, no longer needing our support.
Maisie 15 year old Maisie has been in a relationship for the last 6 months. Maisie’s partner is 14 years old and he is verbally and physically abusive and controls all that she does. Mum contacted us for advice and support as she is concerned about the relationship. Expand I received a call from a lady wanting advice as she was concerned about the relationship her 15 year old daughter Maisie is in for the last 6 months. Maisie’s partner is 14 years old and he is verbally and physically abusive and controls all that she does. Maisie wears about a size 8-10 clothes but because he accuses her of wearing clothes to make other boys/men look at her she is wearing 18-20 tops to disguise her body, she has stopped wearing make-up and seeing her friends, even spending time with her family is problematic. H e face times her throughout the day and night, if she doesn’t answer the re percussions the next day are very severe for Maisie. He also accuses her of having people in her bed or bedroom so she has taken to sleeping under her bed so he can see she is on her own. They attend the same school, so she is unable to spend any time with her friends as he demands that she is with him. I agreed to send some information to Maisie’s mum on healthy relationships and agreed to make an appointment in the evening to go and speak to Maisie. The day I visited Maisie’s mum said that her daughter really wanted to speak to me and had read all the material that I had posted. I spent a couple of hours speaking to Maisie and she told me a lot of things that had been going on between her and her partner. One of the things she said was that she had gone to town to buy a new top, only a T-shirt she had bought it extra large but because it was white her partner started shouting at her in the town centre that she had bought a white one so that the men could see her nipples when it was wet and then accused her of wanting to sit on some man’s cock who was looking at them. Maisie said she was in tears but this only made him worse. Maisie said she had read the information I had sent her mum and this had made her think about her relationship and was thinking about ending it. Maisie also advised me that she was thinking of changing schools to get away from him. We talked about Claire’s law and how she could use this in the future to protect her from any future abusive relationships. We completed a safety plan and ways of ending the relationship if that was what she really wanted to do in a safe way. I advised Maisie not to take any risks with her safety from her boyfriend and told her that she was brave to seek and accept help. I gave her my contact details and said she could call me at any time if she wanted advice and arranged to go and see her in a couple of weeks. On my second visit Maisie was a different person, appeared much happier, was dressed in clothes that fitted her properly and the first thing she said to me was “ I’m wearing make up again and feel more like me”. Maisie advised me that she has now changed schools, has ended the relationship and decided it was safer to do this by text, and she did it from her mum’s phone as she had changed her sim card as I had suggested. In the text she said she had told him she was on her mum’s phone that she wanted no further contact with him and if he tried she would be speaking to the Police. Maisie said she feels like she has got her life back and that she is in contact with her friends, who had also said the changes she had made were for the better and that they are pleased to see the old Maisie back. Maisie said she did not think she would of had the strength to deal with her situation, if it hadn’t of been for her mum and the advice she had received from Colchester and Tendring Women’s Refuge. Before I left I made sure that if she or any of her friend’s needs help/advice around healthy relationships that they could contact me and made sure she had got my number. Maisie thanked me again for the support and said I could close her file, as there would be lot of other people that would need my help. Although my support with Maisie was only for a few weeks, I felt that she took everything on board and wanted to change how she was being treated, and feel so impressed that someone of her age has been this strong to make choices that will change her life
Mary - Elder Abuse Mary (name changed) is a 71 year old female who is currently being accommodated in refuge accommodation after fleeing her husband of 50 years as a high risk victim. Expand Mary (name changed) is a 71 year old female who is currently being accommodated in refuge accommodation after fleeing her husband of 50 years as a high risk victim. Mary self-referred for support after being married to her husband for 50 years. She disclosed that he had always been very controlling and he would emotionally and verbally abuse her. She shared that he would pinch her to hurt when they were younger and try to control what she could do. She said that the in the last 2 years his behaviour had become lots worse with emotional and verbal abuse. This had left her feeling as if she was walking on eggshells. She did have a support network in place. She was provided a Community Outreach Worker and after a period of prolonged and sustained physical abuse culminated in a serious physical assault where her husband hit her with a plank of wood she fled the family home. Mary is currently resident in our refuge accommodation and is being supported to obtain legal orders and secure alternative accommodation for when she moves on. As Mary and her husband own their own home, finding her alternative accommodation whilst her husband remains resident in the property is much harder. A referral has been made to Adult Social Care due to client’s vulnerability. We continue to offer emotional and practical support to Mary as she moves forward on her personal journey towards a happy and independent life free of the abuse that she has suffered for the last 50 years.