News, Impact, Stories & Blog

For my blog I wanted to write about a male victim of domestic abuse that I have supported. It can be easy to think that domestic abuse only affects women, but statistics say that 576,000 men (2.5% men) and 1.2 million (4.8% women) were victims of domestic abuse in 2018/19 (*stat from ManKind). I hope by reading Martin's story it highlights to men that help is out there, here at Next Chapter we will support any victim of domestic abuse - regardless of gender!

(Name changed for safety reasons)

Martin had been with his partner, who had suffered with a twenty-year drug addiction, for twelve years. There was three children in the family, all of which were under Children’s Social Care after concerns had been raised by the school due to non-attendance. He was the sole carer in the household for his partner and the children.

Following a serious incident of domestic abuse toward Martin by his partner, he was advised to seek support from The Next Chapter. When Martin first engaged in our services he made it very clear that he loved his partner and had no intention of leaving her. He said that he wanted support, as he often felt tearful and overwhelmed by the situation. He also felt embarrassed as it was ‘his job as a man’ to take care of his family and keep them safe.

Martin informed me that they have both been struggling for years but were too frightened to seek support because of Social Care becoming involved. Martin’s sister had her children taken away from her due to drug abuse, which is where the fear came from. He had previously served a custodial sentence for drug related offences when he was young and his partner was struggling with an addiction.

Martin said that he will do anything he needs to keep his family together. When he was younger, he was put into foster care with his brothers and sisters - this is why he had such a need to keep his family together.

Martin was on one years’ probation at this time, an Order made by the Court for the children’s lack of school attendance, and was becoming increasingly concerned as contact with his probation officer had been sporadic due to the national lock-down. More stress being added to the situation.

Martin was provided with the contact details of a men’s domestic abuse support organisation. A referral was made so that he could access counselling. Contact was made with the other professionals involved with the family to see what best support could be put into place.

As a result of everyone working together, Martin and his family received the support they so desperately needed. Social Care helped with things like the cost of new school uniforms and clothing for the children. Both Martin and his partner engaged in counselling to help them move forward.

In our last conversation he expressed how overwhelmed they felt by all the support they had received and that he felt like a weight had been lifted. His partner was responding well to her programme, the children were happy and attending school every day and he was busy decorating the house. They were even making plans to marry in the New Year! The best part of his day was in the evening when they all went for a walk together, as a family.

I hope that by reading this blog it helps to understand that men can be victims. Please don't feel ashamed to reach out for support, Martin did and his family are better for the support they have received  

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

(ps. here are some useful links for male domestic abuse helplines)

https://www.mankind.org.uk/

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

As Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week continues, we here at Next Chapter feel it important to spread awareness of sexual abuse that occurs in relationships. Including misconceptions, the significance of power and control, and common responses to trauma.  Let us start with the legal history...

A Brief Legal History of Sexual Abuse in a Relationship

The offence of Rape has been part of UK Law since at least the 18th Century, beginning as Common Law and then working its way in to statutory law in the 1800’s.  However, Marital Rape was considered legal until 1992, only 29 years ago.

Prior to 1992, forced sexual activity within a marriage was legal, as a husband could enforce “matrimonial rights” on his wife without committing an offence. This was based on the belief that a wife had provided their ongoing consent through the contract of marriage.  

The Misconceptions that Follow

The delay in implementing such laws shows how outdated the attitude to marriage and relationships were, and this mindset continues to show itself in relationships today. With many dismissing the abuse and passing their partners behaviour off as normal. With one in four people believing non-consensual sex within marriage does not constitute rape.

Social Media, the news and films also influence misconceptions. A common misconception is that rape happens in a dark alley by a stranger. When in reality, more than 90% of rape victims knew their abuser, with almost a quarter of these being in a relationship.

Another misconception is that sexual abuse involved force – including physical violence resulting in injury. This disregards the significant elements of power, control and coercion. Abusers can use force in other ways, including emotional coercion, manipulation, threats or other intimidating tactics.

Rachel's Story

One woman, Rachel* was in an abusive relationship for five years. She never realised how significant the abuse was until the relationship was over. Rachel was under a cloud of power and coercion and struggled to see through the fog. Here are some of the things Rachel disclosed:

*name changed for confidentiality reasons

"He would never force himself on me but I was scared if I didn’t do what he said, he would hurt me. He would use words like “you don’t want me to rape you do you?”

By him saying “you don’t want me to rape you, do you” it gives the illusion that what he is doing is not rape. But did she consent? No.  Sexual abuse does not need to contain violence or force. He used his power, and manipulated her into doing something she didn’t want to do. This alone constitutes sexual abuse.

"I relied on him for money and he would only agree to give me the money if I had sex with him."

Domestic abuse encompasses many different forms of abuse. In most instances – a victim of DA experiences more than one kind. Here, Rachel experienced both financial and sexual abuse. She felt she owed it to him because he was providing her with money. This is never a justification for abuse.  

"I didn’t fight him off so it’s my fault for letting it happen."

Rachel felt that she was partly responsible for what happened because she didn’t try and fight him off. She said in the news and movies the woman always tries to fight their way out – unaware that in reality, everyone responds to trauma differently.

Rachel explained that she would feel like she is unable to move, waiting for it to be over. I explained that this response is known as FREEZE – where the body goes still and silent and it is an instinctive survival response. See below for other common responses to sexual abuse.  

Rachel soon began to understand what she experienced did in fact constitute sexual abuse. Many women have been in the same position as Rachel – unaware of the abuse until a discussion like this is had. This is why it is so important to raise awareness of sexual abuse, the many forms it can take and why many women subconsciously accept the abuse as normal in their relationship.

Are you a bystander to domestic abuse, helping a family member or friend, you may ask yourself, how can I help? ... I hope you find this helpful.

It can be a worrying time when someone you know or care about is experiencing domestic abuse. Remember your help and support can make a great difference to some who is currently experience domestic abuse.

For me, my top five responses are:

• Believe
• Listen
• Respond
• Help
• Look after yourself

Let's look at that now in some more detail...

Believe

If someone tells you about their experience of being abused, believe them. Don’t ask for proof. Do not judge or criticise them or make them feel the abuse is their fault.

You may feel worried, sick or angry for them. You may feel shocked or surprised. It may be hard for you to believe someone you know so well experiencing abuse.

So, respond calmly. Thank them for trusting you. Let them know you believe them and you know it is not their fault.

Try and understand what a big step this might be for them. Knowing they have someone that believes, someone they trust can be comforting.

Listen

Before you offer any advice or make any practical suggestions, you must make time to listen.

Listening will help you understand the situation. Asking questions and letting them describe the difficulties they are facing may help with them finding their own solutions.

You may feel upset or angry at the things you are hearing, but let them give you as much information as possible, try to take the conversation slowly and at a pace that is comfortable to them. If it becomes to much or they become overwhelmed offer another time to meet, this will help them to know they have your support.

Listening tips

• Ask open questions which cannot be answered by yes or no.
• Don’t interrupt them and let them finish what they are saying.
• Be accepting of silencing, don’t try and fill them in the gaps.
• Reflect back what they have told you about how they are feeling.

Respond

You may have you own ideas what your family member or friend should do next. You may want to take actions to protect them and keep them safe. You may want to tell other friends or family, or even contact the perpetrator who has been carrying out the abuse.

Some family or friends with loved ones in an abusive situation feel that they should leave and this is the only option, but this may not be the right option for now.

• Reasons could include
• No access to money – no entitlement to benefits
• Not wanting to leave due to their children or pets
• Social care may become involved.
• Threats to further abuse
• They may not be ready

Specialist Help

If you have any worries or concerns for a family member or friend, Next Chapter are the specialist organisation for North Essex and are always happy to offer advice, support and guidance.

We are made up of lots of different services

Duty Team – First contact for all referrals

Refuge Accommodation for Families

Recovery Refuge Accommodation

IDVA Services

Community Outreach Support

Housing Domestic Abuse Practitioners

For further details on all our services - www.thenextchapter.org.uk

Looking after you

Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be hard, stressful and worrying. So, it is important you take care of you.

It is sometimes hard to know what is the best thing to do and at times you may feel you can’t do as much as you would like. You may be worried you’re putting yourself and other family members at risk if you become involved. – these feelings are all normal.

Sometimes by just being there listening and offering practical help, you are likely making things a lot better for you family member or friends.

If you feel things are getting to much:

• Make sure you make time for you
• Try to ensure you get time to rest and sleep
• Spend time with family and friends can help stress. Tell people how you are feeling but not sharing private information about the person you are offering support too.
• If things become to much and you don’t think you can carry on supporting your family member or friend, speak to them, see if there is someone else they would feel comfortable sharing their situation with so you are not taking all of the responsibility.

I hope this will help your confidence in supporting a family member or friend if they disclose domestic abuse.

Jenny* referred into Next Chapter asking for support and advise around her ex-partner who was not going to leave their joint tenancy.

(*name changed for safety reasons)

When Jenny referred in she was extremely frustrated and felt very worn down. She had separated from her ex-partner and was looking for support to have him removed from her tenancy. Her ex-partner initially would be kind, accommodating and agreed to move out of the property however he would not take that the relationship was over.

Jenny had told her ex how the relationship was definitely over but he would still keep contacting her. He would start messaging her friends and family if she blocked him and she had removed him off her social media. One evening she had returned home and he had decorated the house with balloons and gifts for her birthday. At first these behaviours could be seen to be somebody who is trying to be affectionate and caring however this is not the case. This worried Jenny as he continued to not listen to the relationship itself being over. Jenny’s ex continued with the gifts despite her telling him that she did not want to be with him. His response was - “Maybe one day I will get the date with you”.

On our calls together, Jenny disclosed to me the depth and extent of the emotional abuse she suffered and his controlling behaviour within the relationship. He would be physically abusive to himself and then say how it was her fault for making him angry.

Jenny’s ex did sort the tenancy however when the tactics of being nice didn’t work he turned and became moody stating it was all her fault and she was a horrible person. He stated “You will marry me and have my child". This worried and frightened Jenny and she kept telling him no.

The harassing messages started again with him stating she did not give him a chance to which Jenny blocked him off her phone and all her social media accounts. He then made a fake Facebook and a new email account and started messaging again. She told him to stop or she would go to the police.

The next day she received an email stating “Go to your car, I can’t cope without you and don’t call the police as I will already be gone”. Jenny was extremely frightened that he had been on her doorstep without her knowing and was on high alert. There was a note stating he “Cannot cope and life is nothing without her and she wouldn’t hear from him again”.

She called the police who tracked him down on a cliff and he was sectioned following the suicide attempt. He then got another girl to message Jenny on his behalf. He continued to email her whilst in hospital. These calls and messages kept continuing with her ex finding new ways to make contact.

He had sent over 300 messages since they split up. Even after the police were involved he continued his attempts and even transferred money into her account and used his own family members to send messages. He would go between being nice and caring and then horrible and angry which is a common tactic used by perpetrator’s in an attempt to regain power and control over their victim.

Jenny and I discussed at length how he is responsible for his actions and she is not at fault or blame for his abuse. The impact on Jenny and her daughter meant it was very difficult for them not to live in high alert. If the security camera notified her she would worry it was him, she would become anxious that he could be parked on the street watching the house. She was very fearful of seeing him again or what he may have been capable of to get to her.

Jenny found strength in reporting and supporting the police investigation. She did not want other woman to go through the same as what she had by this man. She had kept a log of all communications with her ex-partner. This is something we strongly advise as it keeps a record and shows the pattern of behaviour.

With our support Jenny was referred into our IDVA service. Jenny took every step possible to keep herself safe and her daughter safe to. A non-molestation order was put in place with thorough safety planning conducted. She made sure all windows and doors were locked along with many other protective measures.

We advised Jenny to keep a log of all communications because this is useful for evidence. With somebody who has stalking and harassing behaviour, a log is very helpful as it shows the pattern of behaviours. Jenny learnt and built her understanding around abusive behaviour and enjoyed reading books to build her knowledge. Jenny’s journey has been hard and there has been ups and downs throughout but what shines through with Jenny is her continued fight and bravery and her drive to learn and build bright future for her and her daughter.

Jenny’s ex was arrested, bailed, charged and sentenced in court for his harassing and stalking behaviour towards Jenny.

Nearly a year on and Jenny and her daughter are doing extremely well. They are living their lives free from abuse.

We would like to thank Jenny, for her bravery and strength she showed at a very difficult time and wish her and her daughter all the best for the future.

Domestic Abuse is complex, I sit here day in and day out supporting new clients, listening to new stories, new struggles and new examples of how Domestic Abuse can manifest itself into your once normal (ish) life.

It’s sneaky, you may not notice it, you’re in love so you ignore the warning signs that this relationship is potentially unhealthy.

You reach out for support from Next Chapter or those around you, you learn, you over think, your scared and most often you doubt yourself.

This is something that can be so hard to move forward from, something that I hear often “It’s my fault”, “Why have I allowed this to happen?” or “why couldn’t I get it to stop?”.

Victim blaming is something we have all heard of, it’s something we know is unacceptable but what if we are doing this to ourselves? Getting your own mind to stop sabotaging itself is probably just as hard as breaking away from the abuser.

Education and understanding is the key, I have recently learnt more about the psychology of a Narcissist that I wanted to share with you.

• The most common misunderstanding is assuming that a narcissist has confidence and is “full of himself.” A narcissist is not full of himself. He is not confident. He appears that way.
• Narcissist’s mimic what they perceive as confidence, but at their core, they are fragile, neglected and often abused souls. It’s not confidence or self-assurance that drives their interpersonal recklessness. It comes from a place of deficit, loss, rage, emotional hunger, and shame.
• Look at Narcissism as an attachment disorder.
• The presence of their traits reflects ruptures in early attachment modelling where the infant was forced to orbit around an unreliable, abusive or absent primary attachment figure (mother).
• They have not formed that early bond, they are unable to receive happy/healthy relationships, this is something that has formed as direct reflection of what they missed out on. Their brain has developed but it’s formed ‘cracks or fault lines’ these cracks remain and will affect their future abilities to feel empathy and true intimacy.

No matter what you do – you cannot fix these cracks, nor should you ever be expected to fall down them.

The narcissist’s affection is always hollow and self-serving. His emotional scaffolding can only bear the weight of one person’s needs. HIS OWN.

“If you dare to act out of your own emotional resonance, you will be discarded. Often without warning. And you may wonder if the narcissist feels bad or regrets his treatment of you. He does not. He doesn’t have that capacity. He will think only of how you have impacted him. The focus will always be on how you serve or fail his needs. This type of behaviour is painful and baffling to anyone who does not suffer from the same emotional deficits.”

Reading that above statement really resonates with me – This is your ‘Get out of Jail card’.

THIS IS NOT YOU, it NEVER HAS BEEN, it’s time to let yourself off the hook here!

So, I guess you can understand the above and maybe for you this will be the first step in stemming your own internal victim blaming, but that still leaves the one question we all ponder upon.

WILL HE CHANGE?

The reality is, for reasons related to the core deficits that feed narcissism, change is difficult and often unlikely. To change, the narcissist would have to begin a long and cumbersome process of healing from the developmental wounds that serve to reinforce the traits of grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, and arrogance. For most, this task proves far too arduous.

You can’t be responsible for what happened way before you met, you can’t keep excusing this type of behaviour. There is no excuse for abuse. We are each responsible for ourselves and until that person can recognise and look to face their fault lines you simply can’t be falling down them.

Stop the self-sabotage, take time to practise being nice to yourself and understanding that this is not you. Let yourself off the hook, you deserve it. You’ve been through enough.

‍

This the saddest and most painful question that is asked of an abused person as the abused person knows something that people don’t is that it is incredibly difficult and the most dangerous time for a victim of DA

The questions are code for some people as “Its her fault for staying, she is self-destructive” Almost as though abused people choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying them.

This is the question that some professionals, friends, relatives, social media forums are still asking.  However, the question that we should be asking is “Why don’t they just stop being abusive, controlling and sometimes physically violent”.

Surely the problem should fall to who is perpetrating such a crime, yes, domestic abuse is a crime!

Well let’s tell you why.  Have you ever heard of the terms conditioning, manipulation, degradation?  This tactic is used by person’s who strive to gain power and control over another person, to Isolate that person so that they are reliant on the abuser.

This task completed by a person who strives to gain the ultimate power and control over another will not be activated in one movement, comment or action. It will be subtle, it will perhaps seem to be loving or caring in the early stages, almost thoughtful.  So, for a person who has been through this, as described in more detail below, please do not ask “Why don’t/didn’t you just leave?”.

So, imagine you are in a new relationship, you feel a bit excited, special, wanted and important, maybe you have had not had these feelings for a while and you are cherishing it enjoying it, you feel happy and why shouldn’t you, this may be known as a HONEY MOON/ LOVE BOMBING period of a relationship. But for a perpetrator this could also be described as a grooming stage, lulling you into a false sense of security.

The LOVE BOMBING types of behaviours in the early stages of a new relationship can be seen as lavishing you with extreme displays of attention, affection, admiration and gifts, the goal is to make you feel dependent upon that person – feel unable to live without them! You may be thinking but that sounds caring loving and thoughtful!

However, an abusive power and control relationship is different:

Once this stage has been completed, you as a victim of domestic abuse, who has been lulled into that false sense of security, Love Bombed and manipulated so subtly, may allow the odd argument, the odd snide remark about your friends and your family, what you choose to wear, where you chose to go for entertainment, relaxation - the list could go on, after all he was so kind and loving and understanding in that attentive Honey Moon phase/ Love Bombing phase.  This phase could be described as being a TENSION BUILDING PHASE, the control has started! You attempt to appease your new-found love - change yourself, your friends, your behaviour, your self-worth just to make him happy again like you had done in the HONEYMOON stage, you have changed and all because you trusted you loved you cared and you wanted to be happy.

So lets just stop for a moment and imagine that instead of appeasing and changing you decide to argue back tell him you want to see your friends, your family, you don’t change your clothes or your hobbies, well the next phase that will occur is the INCIDENT or the VIOLENCE, the use of manipulation, degradation and ultimate isolation was enforced during the earlier phases , this  is going to  leave you feeling lonely, shameful, useless and as though you are walking on eggshells to prevent anything like that happening again.  This cycle may go on for weeks, months, years even and leave you feeling confused. How can you get back to that HONEYMOON PHASE when he was so loving caring and attentive that was so much fun and gave you feelings of love and happiness and safety?

This as said could go on for years, you may have children, a home together, you may have lost all of your friends and have no income of your own, you may have started to drink or take drugs in an attempt to take away some of the pain you feel on a daily basis.

You may feel as though your options are, that you have no options, if you leave he will just carry on inflicting pain, through the family courts, through your children, through your finances, through mental health services, through the Children’s social care.

During your relationship he will have told you, you’re worth nothing, nobody else will love you, children’s social care will say you are an unfit mother and take your children from you, you will have no money etc. etc. etc.

Now let’s ask that question again shall we “Why doesn’t she just leave???”  Please don’t keep asking us that.  These are the words our clients that we support will say, please do not let that be the whole reason that their children are on child protection plans.  Our clients continually feel that they have to defend themselves, they are not the abuser or the one that holds ultimate power and control over another… let’s please be asking “Why don’t perpetrators of abuse STOP” or Why do perpetrators behave this way?

Women tell us that they want you to understand these cycles of abuse, the trauma that goes with it, the shame, the fear, yes most of all the fear, he may just do what he said he will do!!!

We must stop blaming survivors for staying and start enabling them to leave.

Understanding the reasons and the countless barriers that stand in the way for any woman who is attempting to leave an abusive relationship is the most important part, we will never just ask a woman to leave, we will empower women to make their own decisions in an attempt to hold abusers to account for their behaviour.

Many Survivors tells us they almost felt safer staying “At least I felt safer knowing where he was and what kind of mood he was in” “I learnt to keep myself safe”.

THE REASONS

• Fear
• A lack of refuge space
• Shame

THE BARRIERS‍

• A lack of understanding
• No money
• Denial
• No home
• Not being believed
• Fear of the safety of their children