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Are you a bystander to domestic abuse, helping a family member or friend, you may ask yourself, how can I help? ... I hope you find this helpful.

It can be a worrying time when someone you know or care about is experiencing domestic abuse. Remember your help and support can make a great difference to some who is currently experience domestic abuse.

For me, my top five responses are:

• Believe
• Listen
• Respond
• Help
• Look after yourself

Let's look at that now in some more detail...

Believe

If someone tells you about their experience of being abused, believe them. Don’t ask for proof. Do not judge or criticise them or make them feel the abuse is their fault.

You may feel worried, sick or angry for them. You may feel shocked or surprised. It may be hard for you to believe someone you know so well experiencing abuse.

So, respond calmly. Thank them for trusting you. Let them know you believe them and you know it is not their fault.

Try and understand what a big step this might be for them. Knowing they have someone that believes, someone they trust can be comforting.

Listen

Before you offer any advice or make any practical suggestions, you must make time to listen.

Listening will help you understand the situation. Asking questions and letting them describe the difficulties they are facing may help with them finding their own solutions.

You may feel upset or angry at the things you are hearing, but let them give you as much information as possible, try to take the conversation slowly and at a pace that is comfortable to them. If it becomes to much or they become overwhelmed offer another time to meet, this will help them to know they have your support.

Listening tips

• Ask open questions which cannot be answered by yes or no.
• Don’t interrupt them and let them finish what they are saying.
• Be accepting of silencing, don’t try and fill them in the gaps.
• Reflect back what they have told you about how they are feeling.

Respond

You may have you own ideas what your family member or friend should do next. You may want to take actions to protect them and keep them safe. You may want to tell other friends or family, or even contact the perpetrator who has been carrying out the abuse.

Some family or friends with loved ones in an abusive situation feel that they should leave and this is the only option, but this may not be the right option for now.

• Reasons could include
• No access to money – no entitlement to benefits
• Not wanting to leave due to their children or pets
• Social care may become involved.
• Threats to further abuse
• They may not be ready

Specialist Help

If you have any worries or concerns for a family member or friend, Next Chapter are the specialist organisation for North Essex and are always happy to offer advice, support and guidance.

We are made up of lots of different services

Duty Team – First contact for all referrals

Refuge Accommodation for Families

Recovery Refuge Accommodation

IDVA Services

Community Outreach Support

Housing Domestic Abuse Practitioners

For further details on all our services - www.thenextchapter.org.uk

Looking after you

Supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be hard, stressful and worrying. So, it is important you take care of you.

It is sometimes hard to know what is the best thing to do and at times you may feel you can’t do as much as you would like. You may be worried you’re putting yourself and other family members at risk if you become involved. – these feelings are all normal.

Sometimes by just being there listening and offering practical help, you are likely making things a lot better for you family member or friends.

If you feel things are getting to much:

• Make sure you make time for you
• Try to ensure you get time to rest and sleep
• Spend time with family and friends can help stress. Tell people how you are feeling but not sharing private information about the person you are offering support too.
• If things become to much and you don’t think you can carry on supporting your family member or friend, speak to them, see if there is someone else they would feel comfortable sharing their situation with so you are not taking all of the responsibility.

I hope this will help your confidence in supporting a family member or friend if they disclose domestic abuse.

Jenny* referred into Next Chapter asking for support and advise around her ex-partner who was not going to leave their joint tenancy.

(*name changed for safety reasons)

When Jenny referred in she was extremely frustrated and felt very worn down. She had separated from her ex-partner and was looking for support to have him removed from her tenancy. Her ex-partner initially would be kind, accommodating and agreed to move out of the property however he would not take that the relationship was over.

Jenny had told her ex how the relationship was definitely over but he would still keep contacting her. He would start messaging her friends and family if she blocked him and she had removed him off her social media. One evening she had returned home and he had decorated the house with balloons and gifts for her birthday. At first these behaviours could be seen to be somebody who is trying to be affectionate and caring however this is not the case. This worried Jenny as he continued to not listen to the relationship itself being over. Jenny’s ex continued with the gifts despite her telling him that she did not want to be with him. His response was - “Maybe one day I will get the date with you”.

On our calls together, Jenny disclosed to me the depth and extent of the emotional abuse she suffered and his controlling behaviour within the relationship. He would be physically abusive to himself and then say how it was her fault for making him angry.

Jenny’s ex did sort the tenancy however when the tactics of being nice didn’t work he turned and became moody stating it was all her fault and she was a horrible person. He stated “You will marry me and have my child". This worried and frightened Jenny and she kept telling him no.

The harassing messages started again with him stating she did not give him a chance to which Jenny blocked him off her phone and all her social media accounts. He then made a fake Facebook and a new email account and started messaging again. She told him to stop or she would go to the police.

The next day she received an email stating “Go to your car, I can’t cope without you and don’t call the police as I will already be gone”. Jenny was extremely frightened that he had been on her doorstep without her knowing and was on high alert. There was a note stating he “Cannot cope and life is nothing without her and she wouldn’t hear from him again”.

She called the police who tracked him down on a cliff and he was sectioned following the suicide attempt. He then got another girl to message Jenny on his behalf. He continued to email her whilst in hospital. These calls and messages kept continuing with her ex finding new ways to make contact.

He had sent over 300 messages since they split up. Even after the police were involved he continued his attempts and even transferred money into her account and used his own family members to send messages. He would go between being nice and caring and then horrible and angry which is a common tactic used by perpetrator’s in an attempt to regain power and control over their victim.

Jenny and I discussed at length how he is responsible for his actions and she is not at fault or blame for his abuse. The impact on Jenny and her daughter meant it was very difficult for them not to live in high alert. If the security camera notified her she would worry it was him, she would become anxious that he could be parked on the street watching the house. She was very fearful of seeing him again or what he may have been capable of to get to her.

Jenny found strength in reporting and supporting the police investigation. She did not want other woman to go through the same as what she had by this man. She had kept a log of all communications with her ex-partner. This is something we strongly advise as it keeps a record and shows the pattern of behaviour.

With our support Jenny was referred into our IDVA service. Jenny took every step possible to keep herself safe and her daughter safe to. A non-molestation order was put in place with thorough safety planning conducted. She made sure all windows and doors were locked along with many other protective measures.

We advised Jenny to keep a log of all communications because this is useful for evidence. With somebody who has stalking and harassing behaviour, a log is very helpful as it shows the pattern of behaviours. Jenny learnt and built her understanding around abusive behaviour and enjoyed reading books to build her knowledge. Jenny’s journey has been hard and there has been ups and downs throughout but what shines through with Jenny is her continued fight and bravery and her drive to learn and build bright future for her and her daughter.

Jenny’s ex was arrested, bailed, charged and sentenced in court for his harassing and stalking behaviour towards Jenny.

Nearly a year on and Jenny and her daughter are doing extremely well. They are living their lives free from abuse.

We would like to thank Jenny, for her bravery and strength she showed at a very difficult time and wish her and her daughter all the best for the future.

Domestic Abuse is complex, I sit here day in and day out supporting new clients, listening to new stories, new struggles and new examples of how Domestic Abuse can manifest itself into your once normal (ish) life.

It’s sneaky, you may not notice it, you’re in love so you ignore the warning signs that this relationship is potentially unhealthy.

You reach out for support from Next Chapter or those around you, you learn, you over think, your scared and most often you doubt yourself.

This is something that can be so hard to move forward from, something that I hear often “It’s my fault”, “Why have I allowed this to happen?” or “why couldn’t I get it to stop?”.

Victim blaming is something we have all heard of, it’s something we know is unacceptable but what if we are doing this to ourselves? Getting your own mind to stop sabotaging itself is probably just as hard as breaking away from the abuser.

Education and understanding is the key, I have recently learnt more about the psychology of a Narcissist that I wanted to share with you.

• The most common misunderstanding is assuming that a narcissist has confidence and is “full of himself.” A narcissist is not full of himself. He is not confident. He appears that way.
• Narcissist’s mimic what they perceive as confidence, but at their core, they are fragile, neglected and often abused souls. It’s not confidence or self-assurance that drives their interpersonal recklessness. It comes from a place of deficit, loss, rage, emotional hunger, and shame.
• Look at Narcissism as an attachment disorder.
• The presence of their traits reflects ruptures in early attachment modelling where the infant was forced to orbit around an unreliable, abusive or absent primary attachment figure (mother).
• They have not formed that early bond, they are unable to receive happy/healthy relationships, this is something that has formed as direct reflection of what they missed out on. Their brain has developed but it’s formed ‘cracks or fault lines’ these cracks remain and will affect their future abilities to feel empathy and true intimacy.

No matter what you do – you cannot fix these cracks, nor should you ever be expected to fall down them.

The narcissist’s affection is always hollow and self-serving. His emotional scaffolding can only bear the weight of one person’s needs. HIS OWN.

“If you dare to act out of your own emotional resonance, you will be discarded. Often without warning. And you may wonder if the narcissist feels bad or regrets his treatment of you. He does not. He doesn’t have that capacity. He will think only of how you have impacted him. The focus will always be on how you serve or fail his needs. This type of behaviour is painful and baffling to anyone who does not suffer from the same emotional deficits.”

Reading that above statement really resonates with me – This is your ‘Get out of Jail card’.

THIS IS NOT YOU, it NEVER HAS BEEN, it’s time to let yourself off the hook here!

So, I guess you can understand the above and maybe for you this will be the first step in stemming your own internal victim blaming, but that still leaves the one question we all ponder upon.

WILL HE CHANGE?

The reality is, for reasons related to the core deficits that feed narcissism, change is difficult and often unlikely. To change, the narcissist would have to begin a long and cumbersome process of healing from the developmental wounds that serve to reinforce the traits of grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, and arrogance. For most, this task proves far too arduous.

You can’t be responsible for what happened way before you met, you can’t keep excusing this type of behaviour. There is no excuse for abuse. We are each responsible for ourselves and until that person can recognise and look to face their fault lines you simply can’t be falling down them.

Stop the self-sabotage, take time to practise being nice to yourself and understanding that this is not you. Let yourself off the hook, you deserve it. You’ve been through enough.

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This the saddest and most painful question that is asked of an abused person as the abused person knows something that people don’t is that it is incredibly difficult and the most dangerous time for a victim of DA

The questions are code for some people as “Its her fault for staying, she is self-destructive” Almost as though abused people choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying them.

This is the question that some professionals, friends, relatives, social media forums are still asking.  However, the question that we should be asking is “Why don’t they just stop being abusive, controlling and sometimes physically violent”.

Surely the problem should fall to who is perpetrating such a crime, yes, domestic abuse is a crime!

Well let’s tell you why.  Have you ever heard of the terms conditioning, manipulation, degradation?  This tactic is used by person’s who strive to gain power and control over another person, to Isolate that person so that they are reliant on the abuser.

This task completed by a person who strives to gain the ultimate power and control over another will not be activated in one movement, comment or action. It will be subtle, it will perhaps seem to be loving or caring in the early stages, almost thoughtful.  So, for a person who has been through this, as described in more detail below, please do not ask “Why don’t/didn’t you just leave?”.

So, imagine you are in a new relationship, you feel a bit excited, special, wanted and important, maybe you have had not had these feelings for a while and you are cherishing it enjoying it, you feel happy and why shouldn’t you, this may be known as a HONEY MOON/ LOVE BOMBING period of a relationship. But for a perpetrator this could also be described as a grooming stage, lulling you into a false sense of security.

The LOVE BOMBING types of behaviours in the early stages of a new relationship can be seen as lavishing you with extreme displays of attention, affection, admiration and gifts, the goal is to make you feel dependent upon that person – feel unable to live without them! You may be thinking but that sounds caring loving and thoughtful!

However, an abusive power and control relationship is different:

Once this stage has been completed, you as a victim of domestic abuse, who has been lulled into that false sense of security, Love Bombed and manipulated so subtly, may allow the odd argument, the odd snide remark about your friends and your family, what you choose to wear, where you chose to go for entertainment, relaxation - the list could go on, after all he was so kind and loving and understanding in that attentive Honey Moon phase/ Love Bombing phase.  This phase could be described as being a TENSION BUILDING PHASE, the control has started! You attempt to appease your new-found love - change yourself, your friends, your behaviour, your self-worth just to make him happy again like you had done in the HONEYMOON stage, you have changed and all because you trusted you loved you cared and you wanted to be happy.

So lets just stop for a moment and imagine that instead of appeasing and changing you decide to argue back tell him you want to see your friends, your family, you don’t change your clothes or your hobbies, well the next phase that will occur is the INCIDENT or the VIOLENCE, the use of manipulation, degradation and ultimate isolation was enforced during the earlier phases , this  is going to  leave you feeling lonely, shameful, useless and as though you are walking on eggshells to prevent anything like that happening again.  This cycle may go on for weeks, months, years even and leave you feeling confused. How can you get back to that HONEYMOON PHASE when he was so loving caring and attentive that was so much fun and gave you feelings of love and happiness and safety?

This as said could go on for years, you may have children, a home together, you may have lost all of your friends and have no income of your own, you may have started to drink or take drugs in an attempt to take away some of the pain you feel on a daily basis.

You may feel as though your options are, that you have no options, if you leave he will just carry on inflicting pain, through the family courts, through your children, through your finances, through mental health services, through the Children’s social care.

During your relationship he will have told you, you’re worth nothing, nobody else will love you, children’s social care will say you are an unfit mother and take your children from you, you will have no money etc. etc. etc.

Now let’s ask that question again shall we “Why doesn’t she just leave???”  Please don’t keep asking us that.  These are the words our clients that we support will say, please do not let that be the whole reason that their children are on child protection plans.  Our clients continually feel that they have to defend themselves, they are not the abuser or the one that holds ultimate power and control over another… let’s please be asking “Why don’t perpetrators of abuse STOP” or Why do perpetrators behave this way?

Women tell us that they want you to understand these cycles of abuse, the trauma that goes with it, the shame, the fear, yes most of all the fear, he may just do what he said he will do!!!

We must stop blaming survivors for staying and start enabling them to leave.

Understanding the reasons and the countless barriers that stand in the way for any woman who is attempting to leave an abusive relationship is the most important part, we will never just ask a woman to leave, we will empower women to make their own decisions in an attempt to hold abusers to account for their behaviour.

Many Survivors tells us they almost felt safer staying “At least I felt safer knowing where he was and what kind of mood he was in” “I learnt to keep myself safe”.

THE REASONS

• Fear
• A lack of refuge space
• Shame

THE BARRIERS‍

• A lack of understanding
• No money
• Denial
• No home
• Not being believed
• Fear of the safety of their children
  

Domestic abuse can destroy lives, leaving physical and emotional scars. Most often, survivors find themselves isolated from friends and family, having also lost their independence.  Domestic abuse can take many forms; physical abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, financial and economic abuse, sexual abuse and coercive control as well as stalking and harassment after a relationship ends. Sometimes a combination of more than one of these is occurring and, in some cases, many of them will have occurred together.

Domestic abuse occurs across the world irrespective of socio-economic status, race, religion, gender and sexual orientation and it doesn’t just happen at home, it has an impact at work too…

Research shows that a high proportion of those enduring domestic abuse are targeted at work because the abuser knows they will be there.  Domestic abuse can negatively affect workplace colleagues as well as the person experiencing the abuse. However, vitally, the workplace can often be one of the few places that a person experiencing abuse can be separate from their abuser, and therefore can be the place where people are able to ask for and access support. It’s essential that employers are knowledgeable about domestic abuse as they are ideally placed to offer a lifeline to those experiencing it.  Our aim is to encourage more employers to take an active supporting role, which can make a huge difference to survivors and their future.

Domestic abuse and the workplace

With an estimated 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experiencing domestic abuse at some point in their adult life, it’s no surprise that within any workplace there will be those who have experienced violence in their personal or professional lives and those who have potentially been perpetrators of violence.  Despite this, its effects and costs within the workplace remain largely hidden and unidentified by most employers.  Research has shown that a significant proportion of women who experience domestic abuse had to take time off work.  Many other women also reported symptoms that had a long-term effect on their work performance such as depression, anxiety or stress.

A CIPD survey of UK employees suggests that just under a quarter (24%) are aware of their employer having a policy or support in place on domestic abuse.  We know the devastating impact that domestic abuse has on individuals and would therefore encourage all employers to develop a clear policy on supporting employees experiencing domestic abuse, including an effective framework of support.  Most importantly though, employees need to be made aware of their employers policy and how to access support if they need it.

It’s essential to note that with the changing nature of work as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic and related restrictions, more people are working from home, meaning escape routes or time apart from an abuser may be dramatically curtailed.   It is especially important that employers think about how support can be maintained as we all work in different ways.  An empathetic, non-judgemental approach and flexibility (for example in working hours or concerning work tasks) are two key areas employers should focus on.

Impact in the workplace – research

Alpha Vesta, a community interest company who mission is to ‘break the cycle of domestic abuse through awareness, prevention and effective and safe early intervention in the workplace’ has stated that a recent study commissioned by Vodafone highlights the damaging impact of domestic abuse in the workplace. Figures released in November 2019 indicate that 574,000 working women have suffered domestic abuse in the last year and Home Office research that £1.9 billion of the total cost of domestic abuse is a direct cost to the economy through regular businesses and workplaces.

These costs are associated with repeated absences and lateness, ongoing mental health and medical issues, lower productivity, distracted and frightened workers and increased insurance premiums.  An astonishing 75% of people experiencing domestic abuse will be targeted at their place of work because the abuser knows they will be there and some 21 per cent of victims take time off work as a direct result of abuse due to Court hearings and concerns about their children.  For nearly a quarter of those, the longest absence was more than a week. Domestic abuse has a direct impact on career progression for any victims and sadly some victims of abuse end up being killed in the workplace by their abuser – with it being a consistent feature of many serious case reviews.

What can you do?

To be clear, it’s not for employers to ‘solve’ the problem, but to enable their employees to access professional support, ideally from a local specialist domestic abuse service provider like Next Chapter, but this could also be access to legal advice, financial advice, housing support, counselling or even arranging childcare.  Someone’s circumstances can change very quickly, with their whole life turned upside down – having a supportive employer can make an unparalleled difference to them and their family.

Key recommendations

• Develop a domestic abuse policy and create an effective framework around domestic abuse support.
• Employers have a duty of care for the health, safety and wellbeing of their staff and are in a strong position to create a safe and supportive workplace environment.
• Think about the safety/security measures that may be required.
• Treat everyone as an individual as everyone’s situation will be different. It’s important not to make assumptions about what someone is experiencing or what they need, or the gender of the perpetrator.
• Respect and accept the victim’s thoughts and ideas on the way forward outside work; the victim will know best how the perpetrator may react.
• Create open work cultures that help to break the silence around this important issue and ensure people know that the organisation will support people experiencing domestic abuse to seek help.
• Offer flexibility to enable people to attend counselling, legal and finance appointments, get support from professional organisations and make arrangements, for example concerning childcare and housing.
• Outline people’s different roles and responsibilities when it comes to supporting employees experiencing domestic abuse.

Next Chapter are here to provide support to any individual experiencing domestic abuse and we would welcome working in partnership with any employer to help build a safety plan that includes actions that can be taken in the workplace to keep their member of staff safe.

Alpha Vesta provide expert advice and support to organisations whether they are just starting out exploring the issue or are looking to further develop their organisational support and staff skills. They encourage and support all workplaces to build a strong culture of understanding around domestic abuse and a supportive environment for those affected.

Domestic abuse doesn’t always look like you think it’s going to look like, and Alpha Vesta support employers and employees to recognise the signs and respond effectively within the workplace.  This benefits the employer and employees but also customers, clients and service users that come into contact with them through their work.

Please do reach out to them to see how they could help you support your staff when they need you most.

https://alphavesta.com/

Recent contact from one of our previous refuge clients

*Names have been changed to protect client identity.

We asked Annabelle for her consent to share her story and this is what she said 😊

I have no issues with you sharing our story.  I hope it brings hope to people in refuge that may think things won’t get better, or give people the confidence to leave their abusers and seek help as I did. When you are in the midst of the chaos it feels like such a huge step to take to ask for help, the irony is that sometimes you feel guilty for wanting to leave the person who is causing you so much pain. But it is important to know that there is no shame in wanting a better life for yourself and your family. Gaining control of your life again may feel scary and unknown in the beginning, but over time you learn to truly live again. Be kind to yourself, accept the help and let people and professionals support you. Break that cycle 💜

Annabelle’s update to us a year after she left our refuge to move up North.

It has been over a year since we moved up North.  Can you believe it? I wanted to check in with you to see how you are? I still think of you often, and will always appreciate everything you did to support us.

Adam started primary school in September, I still haven’t quite gotten used to that yet haha. But he is doing tremendously well and making lots of friends. His character continues to grow and he is a very funny and kind little boy. I’m really glad Adam has settled up here and is happy, he calls my partner Dan ‘Dandy’, which is a very cute mixup of Dan and Daddy. They have a beautiful relationship, but Adam is still very much a mummy’s boy haha. Adam is 5 in December, it’s hard to believe his 1st birthday we were at the refuge the time has really flown by!

I started my first year at University in September which is going well, it is bloody tough though haha - but it will all be worth it in the end. As it is a early years and childhood studies degree, it’s dragging up a lot of things for me in regards to trauma with my mum and the domestic abuse, but I’m trying my best to get through it and to try and use those experiences as strengths rather than a weakness.

Also, to end this with some more positive news. I thought I would tell you that Dan & I are expecting our first baby! I’m only 8 weeks but it’s still very exciting! We can’t wait to tell Adam, he keeps talking about when I have a baby -  so I think he will be shocked when we actually tell him He’s going to be a big brother for real haha.

I do hope you’re doing well, you will all forever be part of our lives and the journey to ‘recovery’ as such 💜

Lots of love,

Annabelle xxxx