Why Doesn’t She Just Leave

This the saddest and most painful question that is asked of an abused person as the abused person knows something that people don’t is that it is incredibly difficult and the most dangerous time for a victim of DA

The questions are code for some people as “Its her fault for staying, she is self-destructive” Almost as though abused people choose to fall in love with men intent upon destroying them.

This is the question that some professionals, friends, relatives, social media forums are still asking.  However, the question that we should be asking is “Why don’t they just stop being abusive, controlling and sometimes physically violent”.

Surely the problem should fall to who is perpetrating such a crime, yes, domestic abuse is a crime!

Well let’s tell you why.  Have you ever heard of the terms conditioning, manipulation, degradation?  This tactic is used by person’s who strive to gain power and control over another person, to Isolate that person so that they are reliant on the abuser.

This task completed by a person who strives to gain the ultimate power and control over another will not be activated in one movement, comment or action. It will be subtle, it will perhaps seem to be loving or caring in the early stages, almost thoughtful.  So, for a person who has been through this, as described in more detail below, please do not ask “Why don’t/didn’t you just leave?”.

So, imagine you are in a new relationship, you feel a bit excited, special, wanted and important, maybe you have had not had these feelings for a while and you are cherishing it enjoying it, you feel happy and why shouldn’t you, this may be known as a HONEY MOON/ LOVE BOMBING period of a relationship. But for a perpetrator this could also be described as a grooming stage, lulling you into a false sense of security.

The LOVE BOMBING types of behaviours in the early stages of a new relationship can be seen as lavishing you with extreme displays of attention, affection, admiration and gifts, the goal is to make you feel dependent upon that person – feel unable to live without them! You may be thinking but that sounds caring loving and thoughtful!

However, an abusive power and control relationship is different:

Once this stage has been completed, you as a victim of domestic abuse, who has been lulled into that false sense of security, Love Bombed and manipulated so subtly, may allow the odd argument, the odd snide remark about your friends and your family, what you choose to wear, where you chose to go for entertainment, relaxation - the list could go on, after all he was so kind and loving and understanding in that attentive Honey Moon phase/ Love Bombing phase.  This phase could be described as being a TENSION BUILDING PHASE, the control has started! You attempt to appease your new-found love - change yourself, your friends, your behaviour, your self-worth just to make him happy again like you had done in the HONEYMOON stage, you have changed and all because you trusted you loved you cared and you wanted to be happy.

So lets just stop for a moment and imagine that instead of appeasing and changing you decide to argue back tell him you want to see your friends, your family, you don’t change your clothes or your hobbies, well the next phase that will occur is the INCIDENT or the VIOLENCE, the use of manipulation, degradation and ultimate isolation was enforced during the earlier phases , this  is going to  leave you feeling lonely, shameful, useless and as though you are walking on eggshells to prevent anything like that happening again.  This cycle may go on for weeks, months, years even and leave you feeling confused. How can you get back to that HONEYMOON PHASE when he was so loving caring and attentive that was so much fun and gave you feelings of love and happiness and safety?

This as said could go on for years, you may have children, a home together, you may have lost all of your friends and have no income of your own, you may have started to drink or take drugs in an attempt to take away some of the pain you feel on a daily basis.

You may feel as though your options are, that you have no options, if you leave he will just carry on inflicting pain, through the family courts, through your children, through your finances, through mental health services, through the Children’s social care.

During your relationship he will have told you, you’re worth nothing, nobody else will love you, children’s social care will say you are an unfit mother and take your children from you, you will have no money etc. etc. etc.

Now let’s ask that question again shall we “Why doesn’t she just leave???”  Please don’t keep asking us that.  These are the words our clients that we support will say, please do not let that be the whole reason that their children are on child protection plans.  Our clients continually feel that they have to defend themselves, they are not the abuser or the one that holds ultimate power and control over another… let’s please be asking “Why don’t perpetrators of abuse STOP” or Why do perpetrators behave this way?

Women tell us that they want you to understand these cycles of abuse, the trauma that goes with it, the shame, the fear, yes most of all the fear, he may just do what he said he will do!!!

We must stop blaming survivors for staying and start enabling them to leave.

Understanding the reasons and the countless barriers that stand in the way for any woman who is attempting to leave an abusive relationship is the most important part, we will never just ask a woman to leave, we will empower women to make their own decisions in an attempt to hold abusers to account for their behaviour.

Many Survivors tells us they almost felt safer staying “At least I felt safer knowing where he was and what kind of mood he was in” “I learnt to keep myself safe”.

THE REASONS

• Fear
• A lack of refuge space
• Shame

THE BARRIERS‍

• A lack of understanding
• No money
• Denial
• No home
• Not being believed
• Fear of the safety of their children